"your sin is Mine, I'll take it to the grave"

So I guess it's my turn to freak out a little.
Up until this point, I've been cool with writing out my firstfruits check and knowing it's a chunk out of my bank account, and I've been cool with having to cut back and basically give up spending on personal desires in the future.
I love my mom and all, but if she wasn't who she is, I probably wouldn't be freaking out. I guess, if she understood the amount of faith it's taking me to trust God with my money...if she shared that kind of faith in God at all, I probably wouldn't be freaking out. Her faith isn't my faith, though. I can't expect that.

So I'm freaking out because (after an awesome night of getting to know the people I'm serving with) I got an email from my mom telling me I'm basically out of money. I think she sent it in e-mail form rather than call me to talk about it because she knew I'd cry if we actually talked (because crying is my natural reaction to talking to my mom. Don't even ask). I know she's not happy about it. I also know that I can't say to her "Mom, chill out. I'm giving my money to God, and He's going to provide for me. I just wrote out a check that apparently was equal to 1/3 of what was in my account to begin with, but don't worry, He's going to give it back some way, somehow." Because she would call that foolish. She would call it foolish no matter how small of an amount I gave to Him.

It's so frustrating. There are several points in my life, where I've made a decision that I KNOW is God, but because of something she says to me, I doubt the rightness of it. I decided to take a year and not date anyone, and I KNOW that this year is all about me falling in love with Jesus and being in a season of my life that is too focused for that kind of relationship. She doesn't understand and says I'm making things too hard on myself, and all of a sudden I slip a little bit. I decide to take a leap of faith and write a bigger check than I would've liked so that I can finally say that God will be in control of my money, and I KNOW that this will pay off for my faith in the end. She reminds me that I'm in need of money and I slip a little bit.

The thing is, I know God is going to provide for me. I keep telling myself this, reminding myself that it's true. He will provide. He has so far. He's never let me down, never will. But I've been getting nervous in the past couple days about this money situation because I knew my mom would have something to say about it and that she would be mad. So this is where the hard part comes in: having to ignore, in a sense, what my mom thinks is best, in order to make sure that God has room in my life to move. I have to respect her while essentially telling her that what she's telling me is wrong and that God is right and will provide, even if she can't see it.

I don't really know how to deal with this yet.
But I can say that there will most likely be a blog coming up soon dealing with how we're supposed to respect and honor our parents and family, but we can never let them become more important than God. And really how I'm trying to straighten that one out...
[Matthew10:37]