if you feel lost, sing along

how could i ever be in love with a person with more intensity than i am with God?
i don't understand how i made that mistake.
i don't understand how i could ever think that a simple person is more worthwhile than the God who so carefully and beautifully created him.
it blows my mind.

i just got done reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and i'm already started with his second, "Boy Meets Girl." reading both of them along with the Bible totally opens my eyes to how corrupt we are and how evil dating can be. how harmful it can be.
like, i watch tv now and am blown away by the number of sexual innuendos i hear every single time i turn it on. and i laugh, because yea, they're funny. but i never realized how prevalent they are and how sex is such a casual thing to the world and no one really seems to value it anymore. and the phrase "we protect what we value" plays over in my head like a mantra, reminding me of what is really valuable and how i haven't protected that very well in the past.

and it's not just about sex. it's about emotions. and i've given so much of my heart away to one person, and i will never get a lot of that back. i choose not to regret a single thing in my life, but oh my word...i've been stupid.
but it's fantastic because now God has finally gotten my attention. i'm finally looking up to Him and asking what my next move. and my next move is finally truly falling in love with Him. just Him. and He's so beautiful. and i'm wondering how i ever put so much of myself into one person before i learned how to pour myself into my God. and somedays i hurt for that person and what i took from him, too. and because he still doesn't understand that the move i made was a phenomenal one that changed both of our lives, and i hope he might finally be seeing that.
and i'm realizing that he had it backwards. i was accused of acting too much on my feelings when i ended that relationship, when really i had let our feelings interfere too much when i decided to get INto the relationship. it's funny what you realize when you look back 4 months.

saturday is going to be the first time i'll be in the same vicinity as Javy since we broke up, and i'm really interested to know what God could do with this. i want to know if i'm going to see him or talk to him or just get dirty, angry stares from across the crowded, insanely loud bi-lo center. i want to know if he assumes rob is my new boyfriend (haha) and that i did not, in fact, last a year "by myself." i want to know a lot of things, and i feel like none of these will be taken care of on saturday.

but the point is that God is the only One who is worthy enough for us to fall in love with.
and i'm not sure if that sentence was complete and made sense, but i know that i'm finally feeling what i wanted to feel a year ago. i'm sure i could have felt it a year ago if i would have understood the real meaning of the word "obedient," but sometimes God has to wait and then slap you in the face because you didn't listen when He was gently whispering to you.
stupid people.