September 16, 2008

A Lesson in Humility

I very well may have blogged about this before, and if I have, please feel free to ignore this. Part of me is really just proud of myself that I'm even blogging at all, considering my recent mini-hiatus.

I think humility is something that everyone struggles with at some point...or at multiple points...or all the time. You know, whatever. It's definitely something I struggle with often. But through everything, there is one area where I really have to wrestle with it and keep a hold on my pride and my arrogance, and that's when it comes to music.
I love music. There is no non-gay way for me to describe exactly how God moves my soul through music. I feel lame even trying to put words to it. It's just powerful. It can change my mood in a heartbeat. It can literally make me feel like I can fly. It compels me to dance (at least inside my head), and it causes me to struggle with my body because when I hear certain songs, it's almost an involuntary impulse for my feet to go crazy and for my body to start dancing on it's own. Sounds weird; really, it's great. I'm in love with it. I think there's a reason I feel that way about music and about singing, and that reason's name is Jesus. I believe God's most personal and most fitting gift for me is my voice. It makes me happy to sing. It makes me free. Also, I'm an emotional person, and I really believe that that fact ties in with how music affects me. I believe that because the emotions I experience are very strong and pronounced in me, that music complements (yes Rob, it is a word) my feelings. That's not really a good way to explain it, but I can't really find another way. Part of that means that once I know a song or a harmony (or sometimes even a dance to a song, like in our high school choirs), I pretty much know it forever. And if I can't recall it right away, I pick it right back up.

With that said, alllll of these factors come into play to give me the ridiculous notion that I have some sort of right when it comes to music. Like my brain thinks that I deserve certain things when it comes to music. I know it's wrong, and I've been working hard to inform my brain that it's wrong. In actuality, that never really mattered until recently. I mean, in high school no one really told me to quite being prideful and arrogant about music. But since I've started singing with elevation's worship ministry, I'm learning otherwise. I'm learning that it's really easy for me to get bitter inside if I feel like someone gets what I deserve. It's ridiculous, I know, and I'm using a lot of my strength to counteract those feelings. I love what I get to be a part of at elevation. I know I don't deserve it at all, and I'm so lucky to be a part of it and God could easily take it away from me. I don't want to be jealous or bitter, and I certainly don't go out of my way to try to be. But God is definitely using my experiences in our worship ministry to teach me about humility. It's actually a great experience because it's forcing me to pray more (to ask God to take away those stupid feelings of bitterness and envy) and to be happy for people who get really great opportunities (even if they are opportunities I would love to get as well).
I'm afraid that this blog may just make me look like a really big jerk, but I'm almost positive I'm not the only one who's ever felt envious and jealous over someone else's successes.