why do You love me?

i'm basically pissed at satan and how he decides he's going to attack us hardest when we're at our best, on the top, thinking we'll be up here for such a long time, never suspecting one thing can make everything fall apart...at least, temporarily.

this weekend i screwed up my spiritual walk in a big way, and i'm incredibly angry and incredibly disappointed in myself.

i'm not sure how much i deal with blatant, flat-out, action-type sins. there are sins i deal with inadvertently, but there are few times when there is a solid action that i can choose to do (or not to) and it affects me in a major way. in my case this weekend, it was choosing to do something that i have fought against for months. something i went to counseling to fix (which, considering this post is even being written, didn't work). something that i really, honestly, truly thought i was done with. and in one second of doubt. in one second of thinking "maybe just this once," i screwed myself over.

and i am SO FREAKING MAD.
at myself
at satan
but mostly at myself. for being weak. and stupid.

so.. not only does he choose to kick us while we're down sometimes, but he chooses to search for us on the mountain. to find us when we are triumphant and to pick at something until we break. i was doing so well. and today i just felt...empty again. and (this coming from a person struggling to stop using the word "hate" so freely) i utterly HATE that feeling. knowing that i have this cavity in me where i used to let God fill me.
don't think that just because you feel great that it will not end in 5 seconds. don't take the times that you feel great for granted. because satan is seriously looking to destroy what you love. but i'm done with that. i'm fighting.

i'm giving it up to God.
and for once, i'm going to ask forgiveness and take it.
i'm going to ask this to be taken away from me, and let it go.
i'm going to ask for help to change, and i'm going to help myself change.