i want so badly to believe

there are a lot of situations in which i think i'm completely alone, in the sense that i might be the only one feeling this way, only to find out that there are plenty of people who feel the exact same way.
today's example: doubting.

i gotta say that i doubt a lot.
my dad has a really hard time believing things that he can't see. i told him last week that the sky here in rock hill and charlotte is bluer than it is in greenville. because i think it is. it's different. it's better. so my dad asked me how. and well, really...i don't have an answer. i can't explain why it looks different. i mean, i'm sure air pollution and the amount of people and buildings in the area and junk has something to do with it, but i can't sit down and give you a scientific answer for why that is. and he told me that he has a really hard time believing in things that he can't see. so i asked him how he believed in God, and he said that he doesn't know, he just does.

i have a hard time in believing in things i can't see.
and as much as i am completely on fire for and in love with God, sometimes it's hard for me to fully grasp the concept that there even is a God. it's just so impossible for my brain to accept that i'm following someone who, to it's knowledge, does not and will not ever physically exist. my doubts are with me every single day and they drive me crazy because i want to so badly to believe that God is alive and walking with me every day. it's just so hard.

and because i've been told that i've made too many decisions based on my "feelings," i'm not sure when i'm feeling God tug on my heart or when it's just my own personal desires. the sad thing is that i find it easier to believe in satan than i do God. i find it easier to make the excuse that satan is tempting me to do something, rather than God is calling me to do the opposite. i think this is why Dominate is so hard for me. i want SO BADLY to ask God what i'm supposed to give, to have God tell me exactly what to give, and to be obedient and just give it away. but i'm not getting that at all, and i'm still left wondering what i'm gonna give to this movement. or maybe i do know what i'm giving (i do have a number and i plan on giving it) but i'm not sure if i made the decision or if God told me so.

so what does this leave me with?
this leaves me with a cycle. a cycle of having (small) doubts in the back of my mind that there actually is an Almighty, Wonderful, Beautiful, Presence on the other side of this life, but still always following Him with my heart and trying to live a life that would make Him proud. i am consumed by something. every single day my chest and my heart is filled with a feeling that is heavy and freeing at the same time, and the only way i can explain that is to say i have my God. i have faith somehow in the middle of all of this junk.

maybe this blog was a bad idea...