the flowers are crying to be heard

i love my grandma.
we've lived in the same house my entire life. in both our house in new york and the one here, she's always had this apartment-type setup in our basement. it's cool. she's always been around. being a babysitter. chauffeur (which, p.s., is like THE hardest word i've had to spell in a really long time). atm. advice-giver. everything. she is so much.

i don't know if i've ever been friends with or talked in depth with someone who had dealt with a family member with Alzheimer's. i wish i could say i have.
because a couple weeks ago, my mom took my grandma to the doctor. the visit was long overdue. the trip to the doctor wasn't really a good one and she was diagnosed with dementia, but my mom found a way to make it humorous. because making jokes takes some of the weight of it away. and even though we can't joke about it forever, it is good. it helps.

because i can't deal with this. because this is heavy. and this is real. and she is not well. and i don't know how to deal with this.
and if you don't think it's such a big deal, then that's fine. but i don't know what i'm supposed to do when i look at her one day and she doesn't know who i am. because i'm never home. i've been home once in the past 2 months. if she can't remember my brother, who is here every day (and whom she now refers to as "that young man"), how is she supposed to know who i am. she's already been calling me Judy for years (her daughter who passed away years ago).

and, don't get me wrong, i am fully confident that God will get my family through this, even if the total process of her losing it is ridiculously long and painful. and i'm not really sure what to pray for with this. because she'll get worse, no matter what. that's just the way this works. so do i pray for her? i guess that she's not scared? i pray for my mom, of course. and michael. and me?

basically, if you read this, we're probably friends and i probably love you. a LOT. and you're probably going to have to be prepared. because at some point within the next months or longer, depending, i'm gonna flip out.
and i feel selfish writing this because i feel like it's about how my grandma's sickness is affecting ME. and i know my mom has been dealing with this for a while on her own, holding out on details. because if she breaks down, everyone breaks down. and i love her for that. for protecting us.

so i'm asking for prayers for my grandma and her sanity. her health. her safety.
for my mom and her heart. her strength. her burden of holding up 3 other people.
for my brother and his strength. because he refuses to be vulnerable and that can't be easy all the time. for his faith in God.
lastly, for me.


[and originally i was gonna write a happier blog about not getting stuck in the past.. so i guess that'll come tomorrow]