Just a Test

Lately, I've been praying for 2 things consistently:

1. That God would become personal to me again (because somehow I've lost the feeling that He is real and alive in me, and it's painful. I'm not sure how to get that back).
2. That God would begin to transform me from the inside out. My heart needs some huge changes.

What I want is for my heart to change into something more loving and a lot less negative and sarcastic. I'm aware that God chose to build me with extreme emotions. I'm learning how to be okay with that because that's just how the Creator made me. There's obviously a reason for it. However, I have a problem with the way I've learned how to release my emotions. I have 3 main ways of getting rid of my angry/upset/sad emotions: yelling, crying and one that is really more of just a personal bad habit at this point. All of these are harmful to myself and to the people around me who have to deal with it. So my thinking is that if I can let God change my heart then that would change my thinking which would change my reactions and the way words come out of my mouth. I think this Sunday was a test of how well I'm letting go of myself so that God can change me.

Long story made very short: I was 2 and 1/2 hours late for church on Sunday, on a day that I was given more of a leadership role and another chance to step up. The first hour of my day was spent crying, speeding to Butler and asking God why He couldn't have woken me up earlier. I was really mad at myself and really glad that no one was around because I was FREAKING OUT. Looking back on it, I was a lot calmer on the inside than I let myself show on the outside. I've gotten so used to freaking out and crying that it was like I did it regardless of the fact that God gave me some peace about it
On my way home Sunday night (at around 3am when all the best thinking happens haha), I was praying, and I realized that maybe Sunday morning was a part of my change. Maybe God gave me this really frustrating (but comparatively small and insignificant) situation to let me work on changing the way I react to situations. I would say I pretty much failed...but at least I realized it later.

I very strongly believe that God plans well and everything He does and everything He lets happen happens for a very specific reason. Some instances make it hard for me to remember that, but I trust that He has me in His hands and is perfectly capable of teaching me through absolutely everything.



My quote of the morning:
"For the next 2 minutes I would like you all to believe that I am a large, paisley bird. Go!"
-my philosophy professor. You have to see this guy to understand.