I want so badly to believe

Finally. I think tonight is the night I can get through an entire thought to finally post a blog...No promises.

In Mark, chapter 9, Jesus is approached by a man whose son is posessed by a spirit that has robbed him of his speech and throws the kid into convulsions. As weird as it may be, I love seeing stuff like verse 19 where Jesus is totally exasperated with everyone: "O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." A.K.A. "Really? Honestly? Still? You still don't believe? How long do you think I'll be around. How long do I have to keep proving myself to you? Let's get this over with; I'll show you." It reminds me that we'll probably just never understand. We'll never get enough signs to satisfy us. But He keeps helping us along.
So Jesus asks the man about it, who tells Him that the kid has been like this since he was a child. He says "if you can do anything, take pity on us" and Jesus is kind of offended. He tells the guy that everything is possible if you believe it. And this is the part I love. The guy's response is:

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Because for some reason the last part of this sentence slapped me in the face. Because I know exactly how this guy feels. He so desperately wants for his son to be healed, but he has such a hard time truly believing that his son will be healed. I so desperately want to change from the inside out. I so desperately need my heart to be different. If only I could just BELIEVE that God is already in the process of doing so. But I'm doing what this man did, at least. Crying out to Jesus that He would help me because I obviously am not capable of living and breathing and loving on my own.
Aside from that, I really like the placement of these two statements. The guy did try to believe first. He said he did. He might have faked it, but Pastor says to fake it 'till you feel it. I do believe Jesus is healing me and changing me. But that doesn't mean I don't need help overcoming the unbelief left over. Not that I'm faking belief...I hope this all is coming out okay. I'm emotionally exhausted tonight.

My point is that it's okay for me to cry out to Jesus for help in overcoming my own unbelief as I'm moving forward with all the belief I can muster at the time.