shine Your light on us

[Note: this happened on Thanksgiving, and I never went back to finish it so.. the timing is off but it will always apply for me]

My stepsister, Jackie, is 10 years old. She's in fourth grade, and she has a wicked attitude. I don't see her very often, and when I do, it's hard for me to be the best big sister she can have. It wasn't until tonight, though, that I realized how important my actions and words are to her.

My brother (Michael, 17), my other stepsister (Teisha, 14), Jackie and I were all bowling and golfing on the Wii. We're all messing around and having a good time and picking on each other and just being siblings. At one point Jackie was walking away and Michael tripped her. She didn't actually fall and she wasn't hurt, but it was funny. I had to laugh. It was just a perfect opportunity for him to move, he did, she stumbled, good times.So later she comes back into the room and sits on the couch and glares at me as I play. She keeps making really rude comments and generally being mean to me. This really isn't anything new, but I really didn't think I had done anything to her this time. Someone finally asked her why she was mad at me and she said because I laughed at her when she tripped. So I looked her in the eye and apologized for being rude and laughing at her when she was embarassed. It took me a minute to understand why I was the one getting the brunt of her anger when Michael was the one who tripped her and I'm sure my dad and Teisha laughed as well.

I could not figure it out until it hit me that I'm the oldest and I'm the one who's "always at church" or doing "crap for Jesus." It's my responsibility to be a loving older sister. It's my responsibility to be the light of Jesus for these girls and Michael (and, when it comes down to it, my mom, dad and stepmom). I'm not sure if I can feel accomplished in sharing God's love unless I can manage to share it with my family...None of them have my kind of faith (I'm not saying one's better or worse: just different). We're all just really different, and we don't share. So even if any of them did feel and live the same way I do, I wouldn't know it. Feeling like it's my responsibility to be the main source of Jesus in 6 people's lives is a good deal of weight on me. I like it, and it's teaching me. I feel like over the past year I've learned how to do a better job at it. I know because when I sincerely looked at Jackie and apologized for laughing at her, she was floored. Absolutely speechless. She just looked at me like I was stupid, but it was good. She understood that something different happened and all our fights don't have to end with tears and hateful words.
She's learning, I'm learning, it's all good.