last night i went to a mauldin high school football game
and i LOVED it.
i love high school football (no matter how freaking terrible our team is. last night ended 41-7, i think. amazing).
i love going back to my high school and seeing my old teachers and old coaches and people still going there. i've said before that i place a lot of sentimental value on things. i mean it.
i have plenty of friends who can't stand going back.
and i have friends who will never escape.
i loved high school. i love visiting. but you could not pay me enough money to relive it.
i'll visit, but i won't let myself get stuck in the past, even though it's really easy to.
high school was great. it was easy. it was fun. i had a lot more friends than i feel like i do now. i could walk down the hall and say hey to like 20 people and feel good and love my teachers and feel smart and be confident and get solos and do talent shows and score goals. i did well in the things i wanted to do well in.
but i can't get stuck there.
because i've grown up. a lot. a whole lot. and i want to continue growing up. and i will.
see, constantly looking into the past and longing for what we used to have and used to be hinders us a great deal. and God calls us to greater things that sitting around daydreaming about stuff that doesn't exist anymore. He doesn't call us to live in the future daydreaming about things we have no control over, either. but that's for another time.
October 14, 2007
October 12, 2007
the flowers are crying to be heard
i love my grandma.
we've lived in the same house my entire life. in both our house in new york and the one here, she's always had this apartment-type setup in our basement. it's cool. she's always been around. being a babysitter. chauffeur (which, p.s., is like THE hardest word i've had to spell in a really long time). atm. advice-giver. everything. she is so much.
i don't know if i've ever been friends with or talked in depth with someone who had dealt with a family member with Alzheimer's. i wish i could say i have.
because a couple weeks ago, my mom took my grandma to the doctor. the visit was long overdue. the trip to the doctor wasn't really a good one and she was diagnosed with dementia, but my mom found a way to make it humorous. because making jokes takes some of the weight of it away. and even though we can't joke about it forever, it is good. it helps.
because i can't deal with this. because this is heavy. and this is real. and she is not well. and i don't know how to deal with this.
and if you don't think it's such a big deal, then that's fine. but i don't know what i'm supposed to do when i look at her one day and she doesn't know who i am. because i'm never home. i've been home once in the past 2 months. if she can't remember my brother, who is here every day (and whom she now refers to as "that young man"), how is she supposed to know who i am. she's already been calling me Judy for years (her daughter who passed away years ago).
and, don't get me wrong, i am fully confident that God will get my family through this, even if the total process of her losing it is ridiculously long and painful. and i'm not really sure what to pray for with this. because she'll get worse, no matter what. that's just the way this works. so do i pray for her? i guess that she's not scared? i pray for my mom, of course. and michael. and me?
basically, if you read this, we're probably friends and i probably love you. a LOT. and you're probably going to have to be prepared. because at some point within the next months or longer, depending, i'm gonna flip out.
and i feel selfish writing this because i feel like it's about how my grandma's sickness is affecting ME. and i know my mom has been dealing with this for a while on her own, holding out on details. because if she breaks down, everyone breaks down. and i love her for that. for protecting us.
so i'm asking for prayers for my grandma and her sanity. her health. her safety.
for my mom and her heart. her strength. her burden of holding up 3 other people.
for my brother and his strength. because he refuses to be vulnerable and that can't be easy all the time. for his faith in God.
lastly, for me.
[and originally i was gonna write a happier blog about not getting stuck in the past.. so i guess that'll come tomorrow]
we've lived in the same house my entire life. in both our house in new york and the one here, she's always had this apartment-type setup in our basement. it's cool. she's always been around. being a babysitter. chauffeur (which, p.s., is like THE hardest word i've had to spell in a really long time). atm. advice-giver. everything. she is so much.
i don't know if i've ever been friends with or talked in depth with someone who had dealt with a family member with Alzheimer's. i wish i could say i have.
because a couple weeks ago, my mom took my grandma to the doctor. the visit was long overdue. the trip to the doctor wasn't really a good one and she was diagnosed with dementia, but my mom found a way to make it humorous. because making jokes takes some of the weight of it away. and even though we can't joke about it forever, it is good. it helps.
because i can't deal with this. because this is heavy. and this is real. and she is not well. and i don't know how to deal with this.
and if you don't think it's such a big deal, then that's fine. but i don't know what i'm supposed to do when i look at her one day and she doesn't know who i am. because i'm never home. i've been home once in the past 2 months. if she can't remember my brother, who is here every day (and whom she now refers to as "that young man"), how is she supposed to know who i am. she's already been calling me Judy for years (her daughter who passed away years ago).
and, don't get me wrong, i am fully confident that God will get my family through this, even if the total process of her losing it is ridiculously long and painful. and i'm not really sure what to pray for with this. because she'll get worse, no matter what. that's just the way this works. so do i pray for her? i guess that she's not scared? i pray for my mom, of course. and michael. and me?
basically, if you read this, we're probably friends and i probably love you. a LOT. and you're probably going to have to be prepared. because at some point within the next months or longer, depending, i'm gonna flip out.
and i feel selfish writing this because i feel like it's about how my grandma's sickness is affecting ME. and i know my mom has been dealing with this for a while on her own, holding out on details. because if she breaks down, everyone breaks down. and i love her for that. for protecting us.
so i'm asking for prayers for my grandma and her sanity. her health. her safety.
for my mom and her heart. her strength. her burden of holding up 3 other people.
for my brother and his strength. because he refuses to be vulnerable and that can't be easy all the time. for his faith in God.
lastly, for me.
[and originally i was gonna write a happier blog about not getting stuck in the past.. so i guess that'll come tomorrow]
October 11, 2007
we won't be quiet
i am extremely emotional.
not because i am a girl, thank you. i know plenty of girls who basically never cry. shut up, boy.
it's because that's how God chose to make me.
and i have spent most of my life annoyed by this and wanting it to change, and there are many times i still do want it to change. but for some reason, over the past year or so, i've been realizing that the whole overly-emotional thing isn't always bad.
because being emotional doesn't just mean i cry a lot, even if that is the case. lately, i've found out that it means i feel EVERY emotion stronger. i really believe i feel things stronger than 99% of the people i'm friends with. sometimes, yea this is bad. because sometimes i can be overly dramatic about things. sometimes i feel like such a child because i make such a big deal about things that no one else really cares much about. i just feel things differently.
there are two areas where this overload of emotions shows up the most:
-God/elevation
-music.
which really the three are just like one big group most of the time. because most of the music that makes me feel the most, i've gotten from or because of elevation.
God is teaching me that there is no shame in letting myself be consumed.
when i step into providence or butler high schools or think about going there or hear music we play there or hang out with people i know from elevation i FLIP OUT inside. i love it. my chest.. my lungs.. my heart is on fire for what God does through this body. and as soon i walk in and hear the music.. i'm gone. and i am consumed by what God does with me in that time. and i will dance [i will sing to be mad for my King. nothing, Lord is hindering this passion in my soul] and be a fool and get SUPER excited about Jesus Christ and I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I AM BUSY BEING CONSUMED BY A HOLY SAVIOR WHO MAKES ME BURN INSIDE.
basically, my emotions take over in a lot of situations. it could be bad, but today i fully realized that God put that in my list of characteristics and personality traits and i'm gonna deal with tears and laughing way too hard for the rest of my life.
so.. whatever you notice about yourself that you think is super annoying to other people.. who cares? God made you that way for a specific purpose and i guarantee you can reach someone through that trait.
i feel good
:D
not because i am a girl, thank you. i know plenty of girls who basically never cry. shut up, boy.
it's because that's how God chose to make me.
and i have spent most of my life annoyed by this and wanting it to change, and there are many times i still do want it to change. but for some reason, over the past year or so, i've been realizing that the whole overly-emotional thing isn't always bad.
because being emotional doesn't just mean i cry a lot, even if that is the case. lately, i've found out that it means i feel EVERY emotion stronger. i really believe i feel things stronger than 99% of the people i'm friends with. sometimes, yea this is bad. because sometimes i can be overly dramatic about things. sometimes i feel like such a child because i make such a big deal about things that no one else really cares much about. i just feel things differently.
there are two areas where this overload of emotions shows up the most:
-God/elevation
-music.
which really the three are just like one big group most of the time. because most of the music that makes me feel the most, i've gotten from or because of elevation.
God is teaching me that there is no shame in letting myself be consumed.
when i step into providence or butler high schools or think about going there or hear music we play there or hang out with people i know from elevation i FLIP OUT inside. i love it. my chest.. my lungs.. my heart is on fire for what God does through this body. and as soon i walk in and hear the music.. i'm gone. and i am consumed by what God does with me in that time. and i will dance [i will sing to be mad for my King. nothing, Lord is hindering this passion in my soul] and be a fool and get SUPER excited about Jesus Christ and I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I AM BUSY BEING CONSUMED BY A HOLY SAVIOR WHO MAKES ME BURN INSIDE.
basically, my emotions take over in a lot of situations. it could be bad, but today i fully realized that God put that in my list of characteristics and personality traits and i'm gonna deal with tears and laughing way too hard for the rest of my life.
so.. whatever you notice about yourself that you think is super annoying to other people.. who cares? God made you that way for a specific purpose and i guarantee you can reach someone through that trait.
i feel good
:D
You never let go
God answers our prayers.
you just have to ACTUALLY pray them.
everything about Elevation the past three weeks has been about the movement of God in our lives. it's about big prayers and big leaps of faith and big risks. it's about praying things that make us look ridiculously dumb if they don't work out.
throughout this sermon series, i've had a hard time really coming up with a "sun stand still" kind of prayer. one that could tear my world apart if answered. one that could devastate me if left unanswered.
the most i could come up with is still pretty important, but a little vague.
the past 3 weeks i've been praying for my family's salvation.
so yea, this is extremely important, but like i said, it's vague.
we'll get there.
i was raised Catholic. i'm not sure if it's because of the religion or because of my family's personality, but we've never really been a family to talk about our faith.
[let me just say, that i completely understand why God did things the way He did in my life and i'm eternally grateful. i would not be who i am if things didn't go exactly as He planned]
it never occured to me that worship and loving Jesus could be a familial, relational process.
so, growing up this way, i never fully understood the concept of salvation or being "saved." yea i knew that if you did good things and prayed to God and loved people you could go to this awesome place called Heaven. but then there was hell. and purgatory and that just involved a lot of babies and people floating around in an empty space waiting to be prayed out of there...my point is, i was never encouraged to talk about God. we didn't say grace before every meal; only on Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. we gave up on saying prayers before sleep really early on (though i will always remember saying now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the Lord my soul to keep and if i die before i wake, i pray the Lord my soul to take). God was supposed to be at church, not necessarily at home.
so when i was 15 i went to this amazing camp on the beach with amazing friends who cared enough to drag me there and amazing music that showed me that there could be a fire inside me that burned for something larger than what i had been living for. and i came home and it was awkward. and no one in my family knew what to say or how to respond to an active faith. i spent my childhood practicing a calm, passive, watchful faith in God. not really believing. now there was something else. fire. passion. life. Jesus.
[anyways, sorry for getting off topic] every summer i would come back from this place with a little bit more in my life. a little bit happier. a little bit smarter. a lot more in love with this dude, Jesus. and for some reason the idea of talking to my family about it never came up.
so now, when i'm on a mountaintop and God is alive and burning and proving His own faithfulness along with mine every single day, i'm realizing how important it is for my family to feel the same thing. and because we've never talked about our faith in detail, I JUST DON'T KNOW if they know Jesus or love Him or think/know they're going to Heaven. so my "sun stand still" prayer has been that God would touch them in a way that they could not ignore. that He would make His presence in their lives and hearts known beyond doubt. that He would move them to change...
tonight, for the first time (as far as i can remember), my mom and i talked about God and the Bible. just a little bit, but it was enough to let me know that if i can remain faithful through this process of showing them Christ's love, He will move. if i can make sure i'm doing all i can to witness to them, they will see. if i can show them who God is and who Jesus was and how He loves through my own life, then they will follow.
she doesn't understand my faith yet. but i am determined to show her exactly what God can do with a life that is given to Him completely, even if i am still working on doing that.
you just have to ACTUALLY pray them.
everything about Elevation the past three weeks has been about the movement of God in our lives. it's about big prayers and big leaps of faith and big risks. it's about praying things that make us look ridiculously dumb if they don't work out.
throughout this sermon series, i've had a hard time really coming up with a "sun stand still" kind of prayer. one that could tear my world apart if answered. one that could devastate me if left unanswered.
the most i could come up with is still pretty important, but a little vague.
the past 3 weeks i've been praying for my family's salvation.
so yea, this is extremely important, but like i said, it's vague.
we'll get there.
i was raised Catholic. i'm not sure if it's because of the religion or because of my family's personality, but we've never really been a family to talk about our faith.
[let me just say, that i completely understand why God did things the way He did in my life and i'm eternally grateful. i would not be who i am if things didn't go exactly as He planned]
it never occured to me that worship and loving Jesus could be a familial, relational process.
so, growing up this way, i never fully understood the concept of salvation or being "saved." yea i knew that if you did good things and prayed to God and loved people you could go to this awesome place called Heaven. but then there was hell. and purgatory and that just involved a lot of babies and people floating around in an empty space waiting to be prayed out of there...my point is, i was never encouraged to talk about God. we didn't say grace before every meal; only on Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. we gave up on saying prayers before sleep really early on (though i will always remember saying now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the Lord my soul to keep and if i die before i wake, i pray the Lord my soul to take). God was supposed to be at church, not necessarily at home.
so when i was 15 i went to this amazing camp on the beach with amazing friends who cared enough to drag me there and amazing music that showed me that there could be a fire inside me that burned for something larger than what i had been living for. and i came home and it was awkward. and no one in my family knew what to say or how to respond to an active faith. i spent my childhood practicing a calm, passive, watchful faith in God. not really believing. now there was something else. fire. passion. life. Jesus.
[anyways, sorry for getting off topic] every summer i would come back from this place with a little bit more in my life. a little bit happier. a little bit smarter. a lot more in love with this dude, Jesus. and for some reason the idea of talking to my family about it never came up.
so now, when i'm on a mountaintop and God is alive and burning and proving His own faithfulness along with mine every single day, i'm realizing how important it is for my family to feel the same thing. and because we've never talked about our faith in detail, I JUST DON'T KNOW if they know Jesus or love Him or think/know they're going to Heaven. so my "sun stand still" prayer has been that God would touch them in a way that they could not ignore. that He would make His presence in their lives and hearts known beyond doubt. that He would move them to change...
tonight, for the first time (as far as i can remember), my mom and i talked about God and the Bible. just a little bit, but it was enough to let me know that if i can remain faithful through this process of showing them Christ's love, He will move. if i can make sure i'm doing all i can to witness to them, they will see. if i can show them who God is and who Jesus was and how He loves through my own life, then they will follow.
she doesn't understand my faith yet. but i am determined to show her exactly what God can do with a life that is given to Him completely, even if i am still working on doing that.
October 9, 2007
You've rescued us from death and set us free
sometimes i feel like i come off as a really negative person.
it's easy to complain. it's easy to point out the things in your life that are difficult or awkward or unfair, etc. it's easy to find things that are missing in your life.
sometimes i feel like i spend a lot of time talking about the "bad" things in my life.
2 issues here:
how do i define what is "bad" about my life?
why is it so easy to focus on just those things?
because lately i've found that some of the people or things or actions or conversations or events that i've considered detrimental to my attitude and outlook throughout my life have turned out to be some of the biggest blessings. some people that have said hateful things that brought me down proved to me that God should be my focus, not my friendships or relationships. some times that i've felt worthless have shown me simply that my worth cannot and should not be found on earth, but in God. i've had conversations with people in which i feel like i failed to get a single point across only to realize later that things came out perfectly clear.
things that i've considered "bad" in the past are easily turned around and made "good." God makes things new and good, and even if they were bad at the time, He turns life around.
a lot of times, i'll spend several minutes complaining about something. anything. just to complain. i have a friend who is constantly aware of the good things God has put into her life because she experiences loss on a daily basis. she inspires me. she is strong because she understands that no matter how much we have to complain about, we have it so easy. we have food, money, an education, love, a beautiful Savior.
lately i've been realizing that i have NOTHING to complain about.
my life is full of blessings. my life is FULL, completely full of love. i have enough love today to last me a lifetime. but thankfully, i get more tomorrow. :]
i could not ask for anything more than what i have.
i can't stand negative people. i mean, everyone should get to be negative at some point in their life. but i know several people who could fill a book with negative thoughts. i don't enjoy that. i don't want to do that. i don't want to be that.
it's more than enough that God makes the sun rise every single day.
it's more than enough that i am alive and He loves me.
i have nothing to complain about.
it's easy to complain. it's easy to point out the things in your life that are difficult or awkward or unfair, etc. it's easy to find things that are missing in your life.
sometimes i feel like i spend a lot of time talking about the "bad" things in my life.
2 issues here:
how do i define what is "bad" about my life?
why is it so easy to focus on just those things?
because lately i've found that some of the people or things or actions or conversations or events that i've considered detrimental to my attitude and outlook throughout my life have turned out to be some of the biggest blessings. some people that have said hateful things that brought me down proved to me that God should be my focus, not my friendships or relationships. some times that i've felt worthless have shown me simply that my worth cannot and should not be found on earth, but in God. i've had conversations with people in which i feel like i failed to get a single point across only to realize later that things came out perfectly clear.
things that i've considered "bad" in the past are easily turned around and made "good." God makes things new and good, and even if they were bad at the time, He turns life around.
a lot of times, i'll spend several minutes complaining about something. anything. just to complain. i have a friend who is constantly aware of the good things God has put into her life because she experiences loss on a daily basis. she inspires me. she is strong because she understands that no matter how much we have to complain about, we have it so easy. we have food, money, an education, love, a beautiful Savior.
lately i've been realizing that i have NOTHING to complain about.
my life is full of blessings. my life is FULL, completely full of love. i have enough love today to last me a lifetime. but thankfully, i get more tomorrow. :]
i could not ask for anything more than what i have.
i can't stand negative people. i mean, everyone should get to be negative at some point in their life. but i know several people who could fill a book with negative thoughts. i don't enjoy that. i don't want to do that. i don't want to be that.
it's more than enough that God makes the sun rise every single day.
it's more than enough that i am alive and He loves me.
i have nothing to complain about.
October 8, 2007
i want to burn out bright
i am intensely in love with the position i am in right now.
God is calling me to big things.
i'm screwing it up so badly.
i am horrible. really.
He has called me to take a year of my life, and refocus. to rebuild with Him. to make my walls strong. to become a woman worthy of being pursued.
and it is going to be awesome.
and i honestly believe that on september 3, 2008, i will be a different, better person than i am today. and i believe it's going to be hard. and i believe i've already made things hard for myself. i've already made mistakes. and it's only been a month. it's ridiculous. but God forgives and we move on and i keep growing.
tonight, i got it, for some reason. i'm not sure if it was Pulse, or spending the weekend with PHENOMENAL, amazing, wonderful people, or just spending a lot of time this weekend serving Christ, or what. but tonight it hit me that i am meant for so much more than what i'm giving myself. and that things are hard, but are really easy,too. that i can and will be pure; in thoughts, words and actions. that i will NEVER be righteous, but i can try. and i will try.
i am better than this.
and i am incredibly excited to see what God has in store for the next 11 months (and beyond) of my life.
God is calling me to big things.
i'm screwing it up so badly.
i am horrible. really.
He has called me to take a year of my life, and refocus. to rebuild with Him. to make my walls strong. to become a woman worthy of being pursued.
and it is going to be awesome.
and i honestly believe that on september 3, 2008, i will be a different, better person than i am today. and i believe it's going to be hard. and i believe i've already made things hard for myself. i've already made mistakes. and it's only been a month. it's ridiculous. but God forgives and we move on and i keep growing.
tonight, i got it, for some reason. i'm not sure if it was Pulse, or spending the weekend with PHENOMENAL, amazing, wonderful people, or just spending a lot of time this weekend serving Christ, or what. but tonight it hit me that i am meant for so much more than what i'm giving myself. and that things are hard, but are really easy,too. that i can and will be pure; in thoughts, words and actions. that i will NEVER be righteous, but i can try. and i will try.
i am better than this.
and i am incredibly excited to see what God has in store for the next 11 months (and beyond) of my life.
October 4, 2007
back to the basics
lately i've been having trouble breathing.
you know when you take a really deep breath and you can feel it "catch" (the only word i can think of to describe it)? usually it happens when you yawn. and you just know your lungs just took in as much air as possible?
i can't seem to get that as easily anymore.
i struggle. not with breathing, but with feeling like my lungs are FULL. it's a problem. it's distracting me, and well...it's getting annoying to breathe.
so i was thinking about how could this possibly teach me something about God or the way He works and is working in my life right now. and then i realized that at 1:12 in the morning, i still haven't done my quiet time today. and it tends to be the very last thing i do in the day.
breathing is essential. simple. basic. but it's the most important thing we do. it is life.
i constantly put aside simple things like praying and especially reading the Word, even though they are LIFE. they are essential, simple and basic.
if i'm not doing the simplest things, how can God move in the biggest ways?
if i ignore the basics, how can i learn anything more?
if i can get back to the basics and remain faithful in the simple ways, won't He move so much more in the rest of my life? in the big things?
you know when you take a really deep breath and you can feel it "catch" (the only word i can think of to describe it)? usually it happens when you yawn. and you just know your lungs just took in as much air as possible?
i can't seem to get that as easily anymore.
i struggle. not with breathing, but with feeling like my lungs are FULL. it's a problem. it's distracting me, and well...it's getting annoying to breathe.
so i was thinking about how could this possibly teach me something about God or the way He works and is working in my life right now. and then i realized that at 1:12 in the morning, i still haven't done my quiet time today. and it tends to be the very last thing i do in the day.
breathing is essential. simple. basic. but it's the most important thing we do. it is life.
i constantly put aside simple things like praying and especially reading the Word, even though they are LIFE. they are essential, simple and basic.
if i'm not doing the simplest things, how can God move in the biggest ways?
if i ignore the basics, how can i learn anything more?
if i can get back to the basics and remain faithful in the simple ways, won't He move so much more in the rest of my life? in the big things?
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