Twenty

I think I can honestly say that I grew more, changed more and learned more in my 19th year than in any other. It was a ridiculous year that went by incredibly fast and taught me so much. It's funny because anytime I've mentioned it being my 20th birthday to someone 30 or older, they roll their eyes at me. "You're so young." And I enjoy it. I'm young, but I'm learning and growing every day. I'm facing things I never would have imagined facing. I'm trying to push myself to be better, and I'm having to look back far too often at how I have failed. But the more I fail, the more I learn that God is holding me up and building me up stronger every year.

At 16 or 17, I never would have imagined myself singing at Elevation church, taking a year to not date, forming relationships with great people and awesome and inspiring couples, living for the first time outside of my home or a dorm, or dealing with a drunk 17 year old brother at 4am (hey, you take the good with the bad). But here I am, turning 20 and facing all of those things. I'm so young, and I know that I have so much more to learn, but I am very thankful that God is choosing to squeeze so many life lessons into my young existence.

Sidenote; this morning when my mom was talking to my little brother about what he had done and why, he decided to compare himself to me and call me "perfect" like he'll never measure up. All my life I've compared myself to him and wished that I could be as funny as he is, as good at soccer as he is, or as good at making friends as he is. He sees me as someone who is all "Jesus-y" and "churchy" and who never gets in trouble; who never does anything wrong. It almost makes me sad at how wrong he is. Lately, every day I wonder why I make the same mistakes, how I could be better, what I need to do to be better, and why I can't just do it instead of think about it all the time. I wish I had a relationship with my family in which we talked and communicated enough to simply understand each other...
The bright side is that this incident proved to draw out some of the most sincere prayers I've had in a couple months, and I'm anxious to see what God is going to do with this situation.