i wonder if God is anything like me...
because as hard as i try to stretch my imagination in this area, my idea of Him is always a really big, older dude hanging out in the clouds looking down at the things He made and just checking it all out. making Himself known so that everyone would try to live a good life because they just know He's watching their every move.
every now and then i'm able to stretch it a little bit farther to incorporate a little bit of tenderness. when we are weeping, He manages to stretch down His arms to embrace us for a little while. or at least He calls to us and reminds us that He's right there with us. sometimes the wind blows and He brushes our hair out of our faces to remind us that He made beautiful things. things we can see and things we can't. but He's still just reminding us that He's there.
the one that i have a really hard time with is His joy and happiness. His excitement. i mean, when i get excited about something, i REALLY get excited about it. just ask my hallmates who've had to deal with me practically knocking down their door everytime i get an email about the praise team or the people like rob who receive way too many text messages and calls just because i'm really excited about something going on. so i'm wondering if God is like me. does He get really really excited about things? i'm sure He does. like when a child decides to join His side, when someone's fate is sealed and they know they're going to Heaven to be with Him in the end. or just when He's watching us worship Him in so many different ways on sundays: whether it's e-kids, "big" church, serving through tearing down and setting up, or just loving each other. He's got to be proud of that and excited about that. He has to laugh, right?
i know He doesn't have a human shape, but that's how i have to think of Him because it's all i know; it's the only thing i can put emotions and feelings into. and if He really did, would He dance around and jump and sing like we do? like i do?
because right now my picture of Him is just so conservative and...honestly, kind of boring. that can't be how He really is though, right?
i don't why i'm putting that in question form, it's not like you can answer...
October 31, 2007
October 29, 2007
i want so badly to believe
there are a lot of situations in which i think i'm completely alone, in the sense that i might be the only one feeling this way, only to find out that there are plenty of people who feel the exact same way.
today's example: doubting.
i gotta say that i doubt a lot.
my dad has a really hard time believing things that he can't see. i told him last week that the sky here in rock hill and charlotte is bluer than it is in greenville. because i think it is. it's different. it's better. so my dad asked me how. and well, really...i don't have an answer. i can't explain why it looks different. i mean, i'm sure air pollution and the amount of people and buildings in the area and junk has something to do with it, but i can't sit down and give you a scientific answer for why that is. and he told me that he has a really hard time believing in things that he can't see. so i asked him how he believed in God, and he said that he doesn't know, he just does.
i have a hard time in believing in things i can't see.
and as much as i am completely on fire for and in love with God, sometimes it's hard for me to fully grasp the concept that there even is a God. it's just so impossible for my brain to accept that i'm following someone who, to it's knowledge, does not and will not ever physically exist. my doubts are with me every single day and they drive me crazy because i want to so badly to believe that God is alive and walking with me every day. it's just so hard.
and because i've been told that i've made too many decisions based on my "feelings," i'm not sure when i'm feeling God tug on my heart or when it's just my own personal desires. the sad thing is that i find it easier to believe in satan than i do God. i find it easier to make the excuse that satan is tempting me to do something, rather than God is calling me to do the opposite. i think this is why Dominate is so hard for me. i want SO BADLY to ask God what i'm supposed to give, to have God tell me exactly what to give, and to be obedient and just give it away. but i'm not getting that at all, and i'm still left wondering what i'm gonna give to this movement. or maybe i do know what i'm giving (i do have a number and i plan on giving it) but i'm not sure if i made the decision or if God told me so.
so what does this leave me with?
this leaves me with a cycle. a cycle of having (small) doubts in the back of my mind that there actually is an Almighty, Wonderful, Beautiful, Presence on the other side of this life, but still always following Him with my heart and trying to live a life that would make Him proud. i am consumed by something. every single day my chest and my heart is filled with a feeling that is heavy and freeing at the same time, and the only way i can explain that is to say i have my God. i have faith somehow in the middle of all of this junk.
maybe this blog was a bad idea...
today's example: doubting.
i gotta say that i doubt a lot.
my dad has a really hard time believing things that he can't see. i told him last week that the sky here in rock hill and charlotte is bluer than it is in greenville. because i think it is. it's different. it's better. so my dad asked me how. and well, really...i don't have an answer. i can't explain why it looks different. i mean, i'm sure air pollution and the amount of people and buildings in the area and junk has something to do with it, but i can't sit down and give you a scientific answer for why that is. and he told me that he has a really hard time believing in things that he can't see. so i asked him how he believed in God, and he said that he doesn't know, he just does.
i have a hard time in believing in things i can't see.
and as much as i am completely on fire for and in love with God, sometimes it's hard for me to fully grasp the concept that there even is a God. it's just so impossible for my brain to accept that i'm following someone who, to it's knowledge, does not and will not ever physically exist. my doubts are with me every single day and they drive me crazy because i want to so badly to believe that God is alive and walking with me every day. it's just so hard.
and because i've been told that i've made too many decisions based on my "feelings," i'm not sure when i'm feeling God tug on my heart or when it's just my own personal desires. the sad thing is that i find it easier to believe in satan than i do God. i find it easier to make the excuse that satan is tempting me to do something, rather than God is calling me to do the opposite. i think this is why Dominate is so hard for me. i want SO BADLY to ask God what i'm supposed to give, to have God tell me exactly what to give, and to be obedient and just give it away. but i'm not getting that at all, and i'm still left wondering what i'm gonna give to this movement. or maybe i do know what i'm giving (i do have a number and i plan on giving it) but i'm not sure if i made the decision or if God told me so.
so what does this leave me with?
this leaves me with a cycle. a cycle of having (small) doubts in the back of my mind that there actually is an Almighty, Wonderful, Beautiful, Presence on the other side of this life, but still always following Him with my heart and trying to live a life that would make Him proud. i am consumed by something. every single day my chest and my heart is filled with a feeling that is heavy and freeing at the same time, and the only way i can explain that is to say i have my God. i have faith somehow in the middle of all of this junk.
maybe this blog was a bad idea...
October 24, 2007
why are you so dumb sometimes?
so says Jesus.
last night, like right after i had written the blog below this one, i did my quiet time and laughed out loud at the Bible for maybe the first time ever and had to do this.
sometimes Jesus' disciples were so dumb.
sometimes we are so dumb.
ok so after Jesus feeds the 4000 (see like.. 2 entries down. another part that made me laugh, thinking we're so faithless and stupid sometimes), they leave and the Pharisees and Sadducees come up to Him and ask for a sign from Heaven. He brings up a saying (which i never knew was from the Bible but i've known it for such a long time), which roughly is: red sky at night, sailor's delight; red sky in the morning, sailors take warning. and tells them how they can make these predictions about the weather and interpret those but they can not interpret a sign from Heaven. He tells them they won't get one because they won't believe it anyways and will keep asking for more.
so then Jesus and the disciples go off somewhere else, and all of a sudden the disciples realize that they forgot to bring bread for them. so Jesus (still talking about what just happened earlier) says "be careful...be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees" [matt16:6]. and they think He's mad at them for forgetting to bring along bread.
i'm not even really sure why it makes me laugh. how many parables did Jesus have to use (and then explain out to them) before they could understand that what He said wasn't always exactly what He meant. that there was meaning behind it. they're freaking out because they don't have food and He's trying to teach them about who to follow and what to believe... idk maybe it's just me that finds it funny.
haha so then He starts scolding them for having such little faith in Him and His teachings. like how is it really possible for them to STILL not understand what He's saying. they just got done with these two huge miracles of feeding thousands and thousands of people with 12 loaves of bread and some fish and yet they're still focused on physical needs like the food rather than what He's spiritually trying to communicate to them.
so anyways, after He basically has to spell it out for them again, they understand that it's about not following the teachings of the Pharisees and Sadducees and following Him.
how many times does He have to spell it out for us and prove to us that He completely 100% knows what's going on. when are we going to stop worrying about little things like food and material things and start worrying about furthering His kingdom?
last night, like right after i had written the blog below this one, i did my quiet time and laughed out loud at the Bible for maybe the first time ever and had to do this.
sometimes Jesus' disciples were so dumb.
sometimes we are so dumb.
ok so after Jesus feeds the 4000 (see like.. 2 entries down. another part that made me laugh, thinking we're so faithless and stupid sometimes), they leave and the Pharisees and Sadducees come up to Him and ask for a sign from Heaven. He brings up a saying (which i never knew was from the Bible but i've known it for such a long time), which roughly is: red sky at night, sailor's delight; red sky in the morning, sailors take warning. and tells them how they can make these predictions about the weather and interpret those but they can not interpret a sign from Heaven. He tells them they won't get one because they won't believe it anyways and will keep asking for more.
so then Jesus and the disciples go off somewhere else, and all of a sudden the disciples realize that they forgot to bring bread for them. so Jesus (still talking about what just happened earlier) says "be careful...be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees" [matt16:6]. and they think He's mad at them for forgetting to bring along bread.
i'm not even really sure why it makes me laugh. how many parables did Jesus have to use (and then explain out to them) before they could understand that what He said wasn't always exactly what He meant. that there was meaning behind it. they're freaking out because they don't have food and He's trying to teach them about who to follow and what to believe... idk maybe it's just me that finds it funny.
haha so then He starts scolding them for having such little faith in Him and His teachings. like how is it really possible for them to STILL not understand what He's saying. they just got done with these two huge miracles of feeding thousands and thousands of people with 12 loaves of bread and some fish and yet they're still focused on physical needs like the food rather than what He's spiritually trying to communicate to them.
so anyways, after He basically has to spell it out for them again, they understand that it's about not following the teachings of the Pharisees and Sadducees and following Him.
how many times does He have to spell it out for us and prove to us that He completely 100% knows what's going on. when are we going to stop worrying about little things like food and material things and start worrying about furthering His kingdom?
and i know that i have been forgiven
i am constantly on some sort of tangent.
i am constantly stuck on something, whether it's:
-a certain song
-a certain book
-a certain quote
-a certain person
-a certain concept
-a certain picture (see picture under "this is me" and on my facebook haha)
-a certain life lesson-type thing.
for example, a month or so ago i was stuck on obedience because i had finally jumped off a cliff to be obedient to God and it paid off big time. and i'll never forget that.
right now, i think i'm about to get stuck on forgiveness and freedom. well, really i'm always stuck on freedom. it's such an amazing thing to behold.
i've got scars. physical. emotional. whatever. everyone has them.
and they can be seriously detrimental to growth. because if all you can see is the actual scar and not the lesson it helped produce, you get nowhere.
i have the word "freedom" permanently etched into my wrist for a reason. the word itself is important. the placement of it on my arm is important. it is a constant reminder that God gives me freedom from my sin and my scars and my shame and my mistakes on a daily basis. but there are rules. i can't get to finally enjoy any kind of freedom until i accept the fact that Jesus died to forgive my sins. until i accept forgiveness, i will never have freedom. if i don't ask for forgiveness and honestly believe i'm getting it, then it means nothing to me. and does nothing for me.
when i've messed up in the past (with one thing in particular) i've asked for forgiveness, but i've never taken it. i felt bad about the issue because my friends hated it. becuase they wanted me to change it, i acted like i was changing it. and there really were times i felt bad for it and i would ask forgiveness, but because i didn't believe i could get it, i was left with the same empty, disappointed feelings i'd had before.
and this time around, it's different. and i'm learning that God is totally ready to forgive us and forget how bad we manage to screw ourselves up. He wants to help us grow from it and make us better because of it. our life lessons are not learned in vain. i have a lot to learn, but i am finally feeling the freedom of forgiveness. i'm finally asking and taking.
freedom is something that is so spectacular. so phenomenal. honestly.
i guarantee there will be a blog coming completely devoted to just that and what it means to me.
i am constantly stuck on something, whether it's:
-a certain song
-a certain book
-a certain quote
-a certain person
-a certain concept
-a certain picture (see picture under "this is me" and on my facebook haha)
-a certain life lesson-type thing.
for example, a month or so ago i was stuck on obedience because i had finally jumped off a cliff to be obedient to God and it paid off big time. and i'll never forget that.
right now, i think i'm about to get stuck on forgiveness and freedom. well, really i'm always stuck on freedom. it's such an amazing thing to behold.
i've got scars. physical. emotional. whatever. everyone has them.
and they can be seriously detrimental to growth. because if all you can see is the actual scar and not the lesson it helped produce, you get nowhere.
i have the word "freedom" permanently etched into my wrist for a reason. the word itself is important. the placement of it on my arm is important. it is a constant reminder that God gives me freedom from my sin and my scars and my shame and my mistakes on a daily basis. but there are rules. i can't get to finally enjoy any kind of freedom until i accept the fact that Jesus died to forgive my sins. until i accept forgiveness, i will never have freedom. if i don't ask for forgiveness and honestly believe i'm getting it, then it means nothing to me. and does nothing for me.
when i've messed up in the past (with one thing in particular) i've asked for forgiveness, but i've never taken it. i felt bad about the issue because my friends hated it. becuase they wanted me to change it, i acted like i was changing it. and there really were times i felt bad for it and i would ask forgiveness, but because i didn't believe i could get it, i was left with the same empty, disappointed feelings i'd had before.
and this time around, it's different. and i'm learning that God is totally ready to forgive us and forget how bad we manage to screw ourselves up. He wants to help us grow from it and make us better because of it. our life lessons are not learned in vain. i have a lot to learn, but i am finally feeling the freedom of forgiveness. i'm finally asking and taking.
freedom is something that is so spectacular. so phenomenal. honestly.
i guarantee there will be a blog coming completely devoted to just that and what it means to me.
October 22, 2007
we are forming a sight to behold
how many times does God have to prove Himself to us before we have faith?
i'm reading matthew. in chapter 14, Jesus feeds 5000 (MEN. that's probably my favorite part of the whole story. that it's 5000, not counting women and children. that part, and the fact that every time i think of the actual kid that gave the bread and fish and how pastor likes to say stuff like "i mean, for all we know, they could have beat up the kid and just took his food from him"). so Jesus tells His disciples to feed the people and they whine about how there's no way for them to feed that many people, failing to remember that this is the Messiah. this is God. He can do whatever He wants and He will do it well. anyway, He does it, of course. and there are leftovers...
so in chapter 15, it happens again. except this time it's a crowd of 4000 men (plus women and children), so it should seem perfectly reasonable that if He fed 5000+ in the last chapter, surely He can feed less in this one. NOT ONLY THAT, but when they fed the 5000+ they had five loaves of bread and a two fish. when they were feeding at least 1000 less, they had SEVEN loaves of bread and a few small fish. let's see:
5000 men + women and children + five loaves of bread and some fish = a fantastic miracle that was accomplished and produced leftovers.
but for some reason:
4000 men + women and children + SEVEN loaves of bread and some fish = totally impossible.
how many times does God have to perform the same miracles in our lives. not even miracles. how many times does He have to bless us before we will realize that He will always be with us and bless us. how many times does He have to do great things in our lives before we will trust Him.
He has saved my life. i was saved when i was 15 or 16. i am covered now and for the rest of my life. i've had like 3 years to get used to that. so there, that was the biggest miracle thusfar that He has performed for me, and for some reason i still don't have the faith for some of the smaller miracles He wants to perform in my life. there are still times where i can't even come up with a "sun stand still" kind of prayer. i don't have the faith to THINK of the prayers, nevermind actually pray them.
Dominate is about being radical in our faith so that we can reach thousands of people.
i think being radical is actually having the faith that we've never allowed ourselves to have before. to let go of insecurities and inhibitions and worries in worshiping Him. to jump off a cliff in faith to Him. to recognize that He's already done so much for us, what's to stop Him from doing so. much. more.
i'm reading matthew. in chapter 14, Jesus feeds 5000 (MEN. that's probably my favorite part of the whole story. that it's 5000, not counting women and children. that part, and the fact that every time i think of the actual kid that gave the bread and fish and how pastor likes to say stuff like "i mean, for all we know, they could have beat up the kid and just took his food from him"). so Jesus tells His disciples to feed the people and they whine about how there's no way for them to feed that many people, failing to remember that this is the Messiah. this is God. He can do whatever He wants and He will do it well. anyway, He does it, of course. and there are leftovers...
so in chapter 15, it happens again. except this time it's a crowd of 4000 men (plus women and children), so it should seem perfectly reasonable that if He fed 5000+ in the last chapter, surely He can feed less in this one. NOT ONLY THAT, but when they fed the 5000+ they had five loaves of bread and a two fish. when they were feeding at least 1000 less, they had SEVEN loaves of bread and a few small fish. let's see:
5000 men + women and children + five loaves of bread and some fish = a fantastic miracle that was accomplished and produced leftovers.
but for some reason:
4000 men + women and children + SEVEN loaves of bread and some fish = totally impossible.
how many times does God have to perform the same miracles in our lives. not even miracles. how many times does He have to bless us before we will realize that He will always be with us and bless us. how many times does He have to do great things in our lives before we will trust Him.
He has saved my life. i was saved when i was 15 or 16. i am covered now and for the rest of my life. i've had like 3 years to get used to that. so there, that was the biggest miracle thusfar that He has performed for me, and for some reason i still don't have the faith for some of the smaller miracles He wants to perform in my life. there are still times where i can't even come up with a "sun stand still" kind of prayer. i don't have the faith to THINK of the prayers, nevermind actually pray them.
Dominate is about being radical in our faith so that we can reach thousands of people.
i think being radical is actually having the faith that we've never allowed ourselves to have before. to let go of insecurities and inhibitions and worries in worshiping Him. to jump off a cliff in faith to Him. to recognize that He's already done so much for us, what's to stop Him from doing so. much. more.
why do You love me?
i'm basically pissed at satan and how he decides he's going to attack us hardest when we're at our best, on the top, thinking we'll be up here for such a long time, never suspecting one thing can make everything fall apart...at least, temporarily.
this weekend i screwed up my spiritual walk in a big way, and i'm incredibly angry and incredibly disappointed in myself.
i'm not sure how much i deal with blatant, flat-out, action-type sins. there are sins i deal with inadvertently, but there are few times when there is a solid action that i can choose to do (or not to) and it affects me in a major way. in my case this weekend, it was choosing to do something that i have fought against for months. something i went to counseling to fix (which, considering this post is even being written, didn't work). something that i really, honestly, truly thought i was done with. and in one second of doubt. in one second of thinking "maybe just this once," i screwed myself over.
and i am SO FREAKING MAD.
at myself
at satan
but mostly at myself. for being weak. and stupid.
so.. not only does he choose to kick us while we're down sometimes, but he chooses to search for us on the mountain. to find us when we are triumphant and to pick at something until we break. i was doing so well. and today i just felt...empty again. and (this coming from a person struggling to stop using the word "hate" so freely) i utterly HATE that feeling. knowing that i have this cavity in me where i used to let God fill me.
don't think that just because you feel great that it will not end in 5 seconds. don't take the times that you feel great for granted. because satan is seriously looking to destroy what you love. but i'm done with that. i'm fighting.
i'm giving it up to God.
and for once, i'm going to ask forgiveness and take it.
i'm going to ask this to be taken away from me, and let it go.
i'm going to ask for help to change, and i'm going to help myself change.
this weekend i screwed up my spiritual walk in a big way, and i'm incredibly angry and incredibly disappointed in myself.
i'm not sure how much i deal with blatant, flat-out, action-type sins. there are sins i deal with inadvertently, but there are few times when there is a solid action that i can choose to do (or not to) and it affects me in a major way. in my case this weekend, it was choosing to do something that i have fought against for months. something i went to counseling to fix (which, considering this post is even being written, didn't work). something that i really, honestly, truly thought i was done with. and in one second of doubt. in one second of thinking "maybe just this once," i screwed myself over.
and i am SO FREAKING MAD.
at myself
at satan
but mostly at myself. for being weak. and stupid.
so.. not only does he choose to kick us while we're down sometimes, but he chooses to search for us on the mountain. to find us when we are triumphant and to pick at something until we break. i was doing so well. and today i just felt...empty again. and (this coming from a person struggling to stop using the word "hate" so freely) i utterly HATE that feeling. knowing that i have this cavity in me where i used to let God fill me.
don't think that just because you feel great that it will not end in 5 seconds. don't take the times that you feel great for granted. because satan is seriously looking to destroy what you love. but i'm done with that. i'm fighting.
i'm giving it up to God.
and for once, i'm going to ask forgiveness and take it.
i'm going to ask this to be taken away from me, and let it go.
i'm going to ask for help to change, and i'm going to help myself change.
October 18, 2007
you've got so much Love in you
hooray for 2 am blog posts and the rocket summer and cherry coke and a full calendar to look forward to.
yes, i said hooray.
i am in a great mood.
if you've met me or talked to me at all in the past 2 months, you'll know there's a lot going on in my life right now when it comes to relationships with people.
i just got out of a 2 year on-and-off (don't you love high school) relationship. it didn't end pretty. and then right after i felt like i was losing all of my friendships that i had built up last year at school. and i knew God would do something in my life with that. He gives and takes away. He takes away and gives.
He took a good deal away from me (at least, i thought so). He's giving me back so much more.
i am amazed. blown away. overwhelmed by the people i have in my life right now.
i missed the Entourage series because this summer i somehow got so caught up with home that i lost most of my interest in Elevation, but i plan on going back and listening to it in the near future. from what i know, it's about who you let speak into your life. who you let surround you and influence you. and i'm learning that those people are so important.and that my people are great. my entourage is powerful.
i'm honestly not sure if i've ever felt this much love in my entire life. it goes so far beyond any kind of "romantic" relationship i could be in right now. it goes far beyond surface level "hey, what's up" friends. it's honestly family. it's people who laugh together and deal with problems and stress together and love each other unconditionally and hold each other up and cover each other's weaknesses and bring out each other's amazing qualities.
some of them are people that i've known for a year or more that have been consistently building up trust and love with me. who trust me for advice. who support me. who give up their own comfort and make sacrifices to take care of me just because we're friends.
some of them are people i've met anywhere from a week ago to 2 months ago who have spoken into my life more than i could've imagined possible. who make me laugh harder than i've gotten to laugh in what feels like years. who show me God within them and their hearts and the way they love.
i'm still trying to get to know these people. because as much as they have put into my life, i honestly don't know very much about some of them. for some, this will be easy for me to do. for others, it's going to be extremely difficult, but i'm determined. i'm not going to lose this.
one of the most frustrating things to me is when i meet someone and for some reason or another we both automatically assume that each of us doesn't like the other. i assume they don't like me and they assume i don't like them. i really don't know if there has ever been a case where i met someone and just did not like them. the whole process can take off months of what could be a really strong friendship. luckily, that's been happening less lately. i keep meeting these people who are so open and welcoming that they make it really easy to love and be loved as brothers and sisters in Christ.
God puts people in our lives for a reason. and i'm finding people in mine who let me cry to them. who let me laugh at stupid things with them. who let me dance and go crazy with them. who let me worship Him with them. who put up with my annoying habits and characteristics and insist that i'm really not that bad. people who let me share what God is doing with my life with them. and who will share back. and if God hadn't begun to give me all of this right when He did, i would be falling apart right now. but i'm not. because He is good. and He sustains. and He Loves. and He is Love.
i am in a great mood. i have been for the past month and 1/2.
[oh, my soul has never had this feeling
it feels like gold
you got so much love in you]
yes, i said hooray.
i am in a great mood.
if you've met me or talked to me at all in the past 2 months, you'll know there's a lot going on in my life right now when it comes to relationships with people.
i just got out of a 2 year on-and-off (don't you love high school) relationship. it didn't end pretty. and then right after i felt like i was losing all of my friendships that i had built up last year at school. and i knew God would do something in my life with that. He gives and takes away. He takes away and gives.
He took a good deal away from me (at least, i thought so). He's giving me back so much more.
i am amazed. blown away. overwhelmed by the people i have in my life right now.
i missed the Entourage series because this summer i somehow got so caught up with home that i lost most of my interest in Elevation, but i plan on going back and listening to it in the near future. from what i know, it's about who you let speak into your life. who you let surround you and influence you. and i'm learning that those people are so important.and that my people are great. my entourage is powerful.
i'm honestly not sure if i've ever felt this much love in my entire life. it goes so far beyond any kind of "romantic" relationship i could be in right now. it goes far beyond surface level "hey, what's up" friends. it's honestly family. it's people who laugh together and deal with problems and stress together and love each other unconditionally and hold each other up and cover each other's weaknesses and bring out each other's amazing qualities.
some of them are people that i've known for a year or more that have been consistently building up trust and love with me. who trust me for advice. who support me. who give up their own comfort and make sacrifices to take care of me just because we're friends.
some of them are people i've met anywhere from a week ago to 2 months ago who have spoken into my life more than i could've imagined possible. who make me laugh harder than i've gotten to laugh in what feels like years. who show me God within them and their hearts and the way they love.
i'm still trying to get to know these people. because as much as they have put into my life, i honestly don't know very much about some of them. for some, this will be easy for me to do. for others, it's going to be extremely difficult, but i'm determined. i'm not going to lose this.
one of the most frustrating things to me is when i meet someone and for some reason or another we both automatically assume that each of us doesn't like the other. i assume they don't like me and they assume i don't like them. i really don't know if there has ever been a case where i met someone and just did not like them. the whole process can take off months of what could be a really strong friendship. luckily, that's been happening less lately. i keep meeting these people who are so open and welcoming that they make it really easy to love and be loved as brothers and sisters in Christ.
God puts people in our lives for a reason. and i'm finding people in mine who let me cry to them. who let me laugh at stupid things with them. who let me dance and go crazy with them. who let me worship Him with them. who put up with my annoying habits and characteristics and insist that i'm really not that bad. people who let me share what God is doing with my life with them. and who will share back. and if God hadn't begun to give me all of this right when He did, i would be falling apart right now. but i'm not. because He is good. and He sustains. and He Loves. and He is Love.
i am in a great mood. i have been for the past month and 1/2.
[oh, my soul has never had this feeling
it feels like gold
you got so much love in you]
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