in open fields of wild flowers

2009-08-14T11:51:00.002-04:00

bleh. just go here if you even read this anymore:

www.throughtheeyesofk.wordpress.com

i can never make up my mind.

one month

2009-07-29T19:16:00.000-04:00

last week i decided to go one month without wearing makeup or straightening my hair.

i’m not one of those girls who can’t leave the house without putting makeup on, so it’s not like that. i also don’t straighten my hair every single day. however, i do feel much prettier when i’m wearing makeup or when i have straight hair, even if it’s pulled back. so i was looking at myself in the mirrors in the fitting room at work (like i usually do) and i realized that i want to go an extended period of time without doing either of those things, and i want to allow God to use that time to reveal to me that i am beautiful without those specific artificial helpers. i believe God put a lot of hard work into creating me and He made me to be beautiful, inside and out. i want to believe that and live like it. i’m hoping in the next month, God will truly open my eyes and allow me to see myself as His beautiful daughter; one who was created in Love and with a wonderful plan for my life.

that’s the plan, man.

Vindication

2009-04-22T13:10:00.001-04:00

[a little late for Easter, but still good]
I found this little gem when I was doing research for a paper the other day.

God's resurrection of Jesus vindicates his scandalous death as truly messianic.

I read it and smiled because it's so simple and so true. Jesus died a painful and humiliating death that was lost on many. Almost everyone couldn't see the point in such a depressing moment. So many people lost all of their hope along with His death. It was scandalous and almost embarrassing in a way; the supposed Savior of the world, hanging on a tree. But look what God did with it. His resurrection vindicated His death. Without the resurrection, Jesus' death meant nothing; it would have been an extremely negative event. He would have died, and that would have been the end. So much for the Savior. But because of God's act of resurrection, His death truly means something. He is the Messiah. He is risen.

priorities

2009-03-11T11:53:00.002-04:00

"If you're reading more blogs than you are Scripture you have some priority issues."

dang. I suck.
I'm so bad about prioritizing. I always have good intentions about reading Scripture, but you know what they say about good intentions...
I always want to read my bible, but then I end up with no time or no energy, which really both just equal no excuse. but God's been using Phillip's walk through Scripture to speak to me in the last couple of days. Just two small blog posts about what he's been reading have encouraged me to realize that I'm not reading enough. Basically if someone spent a day with me, they would see that I love my computer and my blogs way more than I love my bible, and obviously that's not ok.
Time for change.

give intimacy

2009-02-25T11:51:00.003-05:00

[there will be a picture later. i figured i'd tell you that first because i know you're terribly worried that my wonderful photography skills would not be displayed here today...calm down]

My favorite line from this past week's sermon at church was

the greatest gift you can give the world is your intimacy with God

right? I think that's what it was, anyway.
That really spoke to me because it turns everything around. We so often spend time trying to DO things to make the world see that we love Jesus so that they in turn will love Him, too. I try and make myself seem like I'm always in love with Him and His decisions for my life instead of actually striving to BE in love with Him all the time. I try and show the world something; it's an outward expression. But what the world REALLY needs is for me to be genuine. If I want to speak to the people I come in contact with about God's love for me and my love for Him in return, I first need to really be close to Him and find intimacy with Him. After I establish that incredibly amazing relationship with Him, the world will HAVE to notice. Rather than working really hard to show the world something that may not be true, I simply have to be true to Christ and the world will see. There is far less pressure for me to be a certain type of person this way.
So I am about to embark on a small journey that I hope will increase my intimacy with the Lord and change me from the inside out. Rob and I are doing a little fast, so to speak. We're going without something in our relationship that should change us, both individually and together. We're making a sacrifice together that could really change us and draw us closer to God. And my favorite part about this is that it will be a struggle that I don't have to face alone because I have a brilliant man of God next to me and nothing to lose. There is only a deep, new intimacy with God to gain.

[days 18 & 19]

2009-02-23T14:57:00.002-05:00

1. Rob's new favorite picture of us lol
2. Lunch today.

[day 17]

2009-02-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

Rob's and my favorite comic books.
:)

[day 16]

2009-02-20T17:51:00.001-05:00

the reason why kilgore calls me a 12 year old boy

end result [day 15]

2009-02-19T09:35:00.002-05:00

ok here it is. and you should go vote.
www.cheyenneschultzphotography.blogspot.com
i'm using every outlet i can because the prize is soooo good. so you should go vote.
we're number 4.
thanks :)

[day 14 take 2]

2009-02-18T17:24:00.002-05:00

my outfit for work today. take a good look; i rarely wear dresses. we'll see how long it takes for it to come back out of my closet again
:)

[day 14]

2009-02-18T14:56:00.003-05:00

mmmm chocolate doughnut.

[day 11 & 12]

2009-02-16T14:55:00.003-05:00

1. new ring(s) i got from work
2. my best friends when i'm cold.

[day 10]

2009-02-14T10:44:00.001-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!
:)

[day 9]

2009-02-13T16:42:00.002-05:00

1. random Jones soda bottle top
2. rob's motorcycle :) the death trap.

[day 8]

2009-02-12T17:45:00.003-05:00

some pictures from today's attempt at getting a cute picture together. these are test shots in a way haha. the actual one turned out better.

[day 7] take two

2009-02-11T17:56:00.004-05:00

1. The neighborhood cat, Baby. She likes to try and sneak in the house sometimes and then scratch on the door when we don't let her in. Cute.
2. Also cute :)

[day 6 & 7]

2009-02-11T14:56:00.003-05:00

1. B Money has chucks. Yes, I said B Money.
2. Our mantle, which is currently flooded with flowers. If this is what it's like before valentine's day, I can't even imagine what the house will sprout afterward. I don't know how those boys can afford the purchase of entire gardens, but more power to them.

[day 5]

2009-02-09T16:16:00.003-05:00

Two pictures in hopes of making up for missing Day 3.

1. The pearls I wore yesterday. The only hint of color in my all-black outfit.
2. My dying roses. Heading to the garbage can soon.

[day 4]

2009-02-09T15:03:00.004-05:00

Ok, I know I'm already slacking on the photo days because I missed day 3, but in my defense I worked from 10-3:30 and went straight to Providence for our amazing night of praise and worship in celebration of Elevation's 3rd Year Anniversary!!! It was amazing and even came complete with a kick-a** guitar solo, compliments of Pastor Furtick. If you missed it, that's sad.

Anyways, here are 2 pictures from yesterday.
The first one, on the left, is courtesy of Cheyenne Schultz (www.cheyenneschultzphotography.blogspot.com check it out. she's awesome, i promise). I love this picture, and not just because I love all of Cheyenne's pictures. Yesterday was so much fun, just like every other Sunday morning. Burn for You is one of my favorite songs, and I remember how I felt in this moment yesterday, so I love it.

The second picture is courtesy of...me. This is what I looked like last night at midnight when I finally crawled up to my room to get ready for bed. (Just to tell you how tired I was, I went to bed at 12-ish and at the moment I've only been awake for about an hour and 15 minutes. and it's 3pm). Yesterday I didn't stop moving from 5am to about 8pm. 4 services at Providence and then 5 hours of work. As much as I worried about how all that was going to kill me yesterday, the day turned out pretty awesome. Work wasn't too bad, and I love the girls I work with. The icing on the cake was that my favorite person in the world came to see me and watched Madagascar 2 by himself while I fell asleep on the couch haha.

There you go for Day 4. We'll see what I get for Day 5 today.

P.S. you're just lucky I didn't post a picture of the disgusting blister on my heel.
You're welcome :]

[day 2]

2009-02-06T17:16:00.003-05:00

I cleaned my room today...somewhat.
Trust me, it looks better than it did before.
Notice the flowers that someone awesome got me :)

Copycat [day 1]

2009-02-05T15:33:00.004-05:00

I don't have very many original ideas. But then again, I don't feel like anyone has a lot. We all just steal from other people, so I don't feel so bad.
Anyways, I'm going to copy my old friend, Stephanie, in an endeavor to take more pictures. I have a camera that I consider ballin' (yeah) and I rarely use it. So this is partly to encourage myself to take more pictures and partly to encourage myself to put something on this blog once in a while. So here we go. Feel free to verbally kick my butt if I slack.
I'll be doing this for at least 30 days. We'll see after that.

So this is rocket. After the McCarts left, I had this strange 4-person-family-sized gap in my life. And this small memento was something little I got just remind myself of how much they did for us while they were here for their short stay. It was the most tangible memory I could find and it only cost like $2 at the Disney store haha.

Stale

2008-12-15T12:59:00.002-05:00

A couple weeks ago at work, it hit me. I'm not sure why it happened at work of all places, but I realized that I've been pretty lame lately. I've just been really stale and stagnant in terms of my walk with God. I've been kind of sitting and maybe scooching my butt up a couple inches every now and then, but for the most part I've been pretty still. The worst part is that I still haven't really made any strong efforts to change, and I had this realization at least a week and 1/2 ago.
I still pray every day. I thank God for the wonderful gifts He has given me in so many different forms. The weird thing about this phase is that I don't feel hollow or empty or hopeless like I sometimes do, I just don't feel like I'm trying very hard. And that might be even more dangerous. I don't want to be content. I don't want to just get by. I want to fight. I want to be a woman of God. I want to be so much more than what I'm allowing myself to be lately.
I don't have much to say about this except that I will try and prayers would be amazing. Part of the problem is that I'm so busy that I don't spend a lot of time with anyone anymore and I miss out on the encouragement and fellowship I used to experience so often. Maybe once I figure out how to juggle school, work, church and a boyfriend, I'll get back to that, too. So many things...

I Am Land

2008-11-17T15:05:00.002-05:00

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.
Hebrews 6:7

I'm starting to think that maybe I got more out of my quiet time when I actually made an attempt to comprehend it and blog about it later, so here we are.

I am land.
I am land that receives a lot of rain. The rain that often falls on me is of God. God pours so much into my life on a daily basis. I really love being at school because I pray the most when I walk around campus outside. Even when I'm freezing cold and in seven layers (while some people still walk around with flip-flops and/or shorts ha), there is so much to thank God for. He just pours and pours and pours out blessings on me. It rains all the time on my life, in the best possible way. So that's step 1: Rain.
Step 2 belongs to me. With all that God has poured on my life, on my land, I should be producing a useful crop. There is plenty being poured upon me, so it's my job to turn around and produce good crop. What I receive in my life should be obvious to everyone around me. I should be able to remain faithful and joyful knowing that God is blessing me every second. My crop can be joy and thankfulness that really shows everyone around me (perhaps, "those for whom it is farmed") how blessed I am.
Step 3: receive the blessing of God.

So really it comes full circle.
I receive countless, wonderful blessings from God.
I live my life in a way that shows how thankful I am to a gracious, giving God.
I receive more wonderful blessings from God.

I think I'll save the opposing verse for a blog tomorrow.

2008-10-04T15:04:00.002-04:00

I really wish I blogged more. I have a lot of thoughts in my head lately about possible blog topics but nothing ever really seems to come to fruition.

But I did want to make a small, quick post about my life lately. Things are really awesome, and God is incredibly good.
I have a bad habit of feeling ashamed of things I want to say (or write) sometimes, and I'm trying to break that. Sometimes I keep my feelings and my emotions on the inside because I think that someone or everyone will disapprove of whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I'd really like to get out of that habit. I don't have much to say, but here's what's going on lately in my life:

-Robert and I are finally officially dating, and it's the best thing I've ever experienced. God has definitely blessed me with this relationship, and I'm very excited to be learning and growing closer to God with Robert by my side.

-I'm absolutely 100% in love with what I do at Elevation. Being a part of a worship ministry like this is unreal, and I wouldn't trade it for any other role. I don't know how I even made it to this point, but I know God is good and has given me an unbelievable part of something huge.

-For the longest time, I've been struggling everyday with the concept of God's love. I just could not understand or comprehend how or why this Creator of the universe would choose to love me unconditional. I mean, I believe He does love me, but sometimes I have a hard time living like it. However, this week has been absolutely wonderful for me. I listened to 3 different Perry Noble sermons throughout the week and they all spoke directly to me about about something I very desperately needed to hear. I found this really entertaining because they were 3 completely different sermons (Can I Lose my Salvation? How Do I Know God's Will for my Life? Is It Ok for Christians to Drink Alcohol?) but they all spoke a similar thought to me and backed it up: Jesus does not love me based on my performance. Jesus loves me just because.
This week has been awesome. That's such a simple point, but knowing it and repeating it has been so great for me. This week I spent way more time reading the Bible, praying and just generally noticing His glory in the seasons changing around me. It's been fantastic. So at this point, I just need to remember that the God of the universe is in love with me and is pursuing me every day and out of love for Him, I must respond.

So those are the 3 biggest things going on in my life right now. God is teaching me a lot, but not always in the form of solid, tangible, explainable lessons.

A Lesson in Humility

2008-09-16T20:32:00.003-04:00

I very well may have blogged about this before, and if I have, please feel free to ignore this. Part of me is really just proud of myself that I'm even blogging at all, considering my recent mini-hiatus.

I think humility is something that everyone struggles with at some point...or at multiple points...or all the time. You know, whatever. It's definitely something I struggle with often. But through everything, there is one area where I really have to wrestle with it and keep a hold on my pride and my arrogance, and that's when it comes to music.
I love music. There is no non-gay way for me to describe exactly how God moves my soul through music. I feel lame even trying to put words to it. It's just powerful. It can change my mood in a heartbeat. It can literally make me feel like I can fly. It compels me to dance (at least inside my head), and it causes me to struggle with my body because when I hear certain songs, it's almost an involuntary impulse for my feet to go crazy and for my body to start dancing on it's own. Sounds weird; really, it's great. I'm in love with it. I think there's a reason I feel that way about music and about singing, and that reason's name is Jesus. I believe God's most personal and most fitting gift for me is my voice. It makes me happy to sing. It makes me free. Also, I'm an emotional person, and I really believe that that fact ties in with how music affects me. I believe that because the emotions I experience are very strong and pronounced in me, that music complements (yes Rob, it is a word) my feelings. That's not really a good way to explain it, but I can't really find another way. Part of that means that once I know a song or a harmony (or sometimes even a dance to a song, like in our high school choirs), I pretty much know it forever. And if I can't recall it right away, I pick it right back up.

With that said, alllll of these factors come into play to give me the ridiculous notion that I have some sort of right when it comes to music. Like my brain thinks that I deserve certain things when it comes to music. I know it's wrong, and I've been working hard to inform my brain that it's wrong. In actuality, that never really mattered until recently. I mean, in high school no one really told me to quite being prideful and arrogant about music. But since I've started singing with elevation's worship ministry, I'm learning otherwise. I'm learning that it's really easy for me to get bitter inside if I feel like someone gets what I deserve. It's ridiculous, I know, and I'm using a lot of my strength to counteract those feelings. I love what I get to be a part of at elevation. I know I don't deserve it at all, and I'm so lucky to be a part of it and God could easily take it away from me. I don't want to be jealous or bitter, and I certainly don't go out of my way to try to be. But God is definitely using my experiences in our worship ministry to teach me about humility. It's actually a great experience because it's forcing me to pray more (to ask God to take away those stupid feelings of bitterness and envy) and to be happy for people who get really great opportunities (even if they are opportunities I would love to get as well).
I'm afraid that this blog may just make me look like a really big jerk, but I'm almost positive I'm not the only one who's ever felt envious and jealous over someone else's successes.

Shut up and Listen

2008-08-28T18:37:00.002-04:00

I'm in Exodus right now. I haven't gotten very far in it, but the beginning is awesome. I'm really hooked on the beginning process that God has with Moses trying to get him to see that He has big plans for him. God knows that Moses is going to become one of the world's greatest liberators. Moses knows that he's scared.

God does everything to encourage Moses from the time Moses encounters Him in the burning bush. He shows Moses the kind of miracles He can do through him, He assures Moses that He has his back no matter what, and He gives Moses Aaron to speak for him. Moses' reply?
[No, No, No. Please, send anyone but me. I don't want to. I can't. I'm scared. I'm not good enough.]
God has great things planned for Moses (GREAT things), but Moses was too busy making excuses to hear that part of it. He knew that what God was asking him to do right at that moment was going to be really hard, and that stopped him from seeing the bigger picture of what he would do for the Israelites later.

I truly believe God has some great things planned for me. I know He has a plan for me, and I know He is able to use me for things that are bigger than I could ever dream. I also know that some of the things He's asking me to do right now are going to be really difficult. There are some things I haven't been facing lately. Some things I need to do and correct, even though I know it's going to really hard. But now I'm thinking that I might be missing out on what God has planned for me in the future because I'm too busy saying no to the steps I need to take right now.
So instead of continuously saying no to God because what He's asking me to do right now seems hard, I want to focus on thinking about the awesome things that God wants to use me for later and pray for the confidence and strength to face the things that are difficult.
Basically, I want to shut up and listen.

Community

2008-08-25T22:21:00.002-04:00

For the second time, I'm reading this book called Sex.God by Rob Bell.
One topic he hits is community and the issue that we face when we are surrounded by a world of people but still find ourselves alone and fighting those around us. There is something missing.
He talks about a woman in his church whose husband abuses her. The group of people she has surrounded herself with come to her rescue and help her get away from the abuse. Several weeks later, a man comes to him, broken, admitting to abusing his wife, and looking for help so that he could stop. The man was her husband, and when Rob asked the man who he had around him to talk to about his problem, he said he had no one.

We are meant to share our struggles and our pain with the people around us; the people we trust; our entourage. Our problems can spiral out of control when we don't have support like that. When we don't have that person or those people that we can turn to and talk to, we don't have help.

I feel like, personally, I have one main recurring problem I'm dealing with. Quite honestly, I feel like I'm dealing with it alone, too. I don't really feel like there's anyone I can talk to about it that won't judge me or condemn me for it, and that's hard. So I feel like I understand Rob Bell's point about having that kind of community around you. Our problems, issues, hardships and failings are hard to deal with alone. We really need those reliable people that surround us with a love like Jesus and help us through life.

Something Worse Might Happen

2008-08-23T13:50:00.004-04:00

In John 5, Jesus sees the paralyzed man by the pool who has been hanging around for 38 years waiting to be healed. This was one of my favorite examples used in a sermon by Pastor because of how he pointed out Jesus' question "Do you want to get well?" Anyway, after Jesus heals the paralytic, the Jews around Him weren't happy because He healed on the Sabbath. Later, Jesus found the healed man in temple, and (in the Message version) He said "You look wonderful! You're well! Don't return to a sinning life or something worse might happen."

Jesus has healed us. He has spoken and told us to take up our mat and walk. He has made us new, but He has made us new so that we would not return to our old ways. I believe Jesus has redeemed me and made me new. I also believe He speaks to me all the time, telling me that I shouldn't return to my old ways of sinning. We can't just use Jesus as a lifeline without trying to fix our ways. We can't just keep sinning and expect Him to save us and renew us the same every time. He's not there so that we can go on without trying to live a life serving Him. He has saved us, and that is more than we deserved in the first place. So now it's our responsibility to work hard to serve Him. We can't return to a life of sinning.

Mmhmm

2008-08-17T22:44:00.002-04:00

Oh yeah, I was right. This morning was phenomenal. Amazing. Wonderful. Mind-blowing. The hard work that I saw people put into the matchbooks, the bags with Awakening cards and black rings, and the cardboard testimonies definitely paid off. This week I got to spend a lot of time helping this Sunday come together, and this morning was incredibly moving. Through all 4 services, seeing so many people step out of their own personal boats and into the arms of a loving God was awesome, and I hope I never forget it.

Then, to top off my incredibly emotional day, I experienced an incredibly emotional night at McGlohon! It was my first time visiting, and I can already tell this place is going to be packed with people searching for God and worshiping Him every Sunday. I can't wait to hear the stories of this place. Tonight, the worship was amazing. For the first half of the night, I was pretty dead. Today just wore me out, so I spent a lot of the time praying for less distractions and more energy. God definitely delivered, because before we even got to the first chorus of Healer, I was wrecked. I'm not sure what it meant, but God definitely moved in my heart and overwhelmed me during that song. [Nothing is impossible for You.] The end of the night was perfect, with Let God Arise. I haven't had that much fun worshiping God (and watching our worship leaders praise Him) in a really long time. We definitely have some of the best guys around who are filled with a ridiculous amount of passion for the Lord. .

Today, I felt the weight and the gravity and the importance that I have been missing. Today, I felt God move in my heart, and I witnessed the many ways He has moved in the lives of others.
And now I am exhausted.
In the best way possible.

This Sunday

2008-08-14T19:28:00.002-04:00

If for some crazy reason you're not planning on being at Elevation this Sunday, you need to reschedule. This Sunday is going to rock your face off. If you were around for the last 2 Sundays to see over 1,000 people step out of the boat and get baptized, then I don't know how you couldn't come back this Sunday. Trust me, you want to be there. A lot more people are going to be stepping out of their own boats and really showing how their faith in God has paid off. God is faithful. He is good, and He delivers us.

I can't wait to see the tremendous faith of people this weekend (including my own roommate's. Love you, B) and I can't wait to see how God is going to reach hundreds of other people through it all. It's going to be a mind-blowing Sunday and I believe God is going to move in a huge way. I'm so thankful to be a part of it.

Eh

2008-08-05T01:01:00.003-04:00

So if you read my blog, you probably read other Elevation blogs, and if you read any Elevation blog, you've probably heard that yesterday we baptized over 600 people. How great is our God!
However, as I went through and read all of the blogs that mentioned this giant move of God we just witnessed and how phenomenal it was, I realized that I wasn't feeling those same emotions. And I'm still not. With Elevation being such a huge movement in this city, we are constantly reminded that we can not take this for granted. What we're seeing isn't normal, and we can't let it pass us by without acknowledging the incredibly vast God who makes it all happen (I mean come on, over 600 people choosing to make their faith public in a single day). This is something of biblical proportions...and somehow I'm not very moved by it.
So tonight I'm praying that as we go into our second week of baptisms, that God would open up my heart so that I could really see and experience the magnitude of what is happening here in Charlotte. It's frustrating that my heart is not overflowing with intense joy at how many lives are being changed right in front of my eyes. Not only that, but as volunteers, we are all able to feel like we are really a part of this. We are active in it. We're making a difference. Sometimes it's the little things that we do that encourage others to take the next step in their faith, whether we know it or not.
I don't want to sit by and watch everything happen. I want to be a part of this. I want to look back and know that God used me to change lives. And I want to be freaking excited about it.

Also, my recent "sun stand still" prayer has been for my brother, Michael. He's 17, and he just moved into his apartment this weekend. He's about to start training for soccer and soon after that he'll start his first year of college. He's incredibly smart, but lately he's been making some unintelligent decisions (read: stupid and dangerous). Basically I'm praying that God would put people in front of him who are good influences and who will help lead him to Jesus in a way he's never known or understood before. I know he can do great things for the kingdom of God, and I want to see it happen. I want him to know that God has made the sun stand still in his life.

Pushing Through

2008-07-29T00:12:00.003-04:00

I was playing guitar hero today (Aerosmith version for the Wii, it's awesome), and I was thinking about how much I don't like playing the game in front of people and how I hoped that Michael or Jennica wouldn't come upstairs and watch. It's not that I don't like sharing the joys of a good guitar video game with others, I just don't like messing up in front of people. And considering I had just beaten every song on easy and now wanted to move on to medium, I was definitely going to mess up.
I don't like being embarrassed. Not that anyone else really enjoys it, but I let my fear of embarrassment stop me from really enjoying myself in different social situations. I'd honestly rather sit in a corner and twiddle my thumbs than do something like sing karaoke in front of a bunch of strangers or even play some guitar hero with my best friends (except in the strange case of getting in front of hundreds of people on Sundays and singing. That, I love and throw myself into with everything I've got). Everything in me freezes at the thought of being pushed out of my comfort zone. Honestly, it hasn't been much of a problem until this year. However, this year I finally have someone in my life who is so different from me and ready to push me out of my comfort zone and into uncomfortable situations. The uncomfortable situations I face now might not be too serious or hold too much weight in my life in the long run, but I know that I'm also being pushed forward in my walk with God.
When I skip out on something because of my fear of embarrassment, I most likely miss out on a lot of fun (I mean, I assume that's what I'm missing out on. I never really know because I'm serious when I say I'd rather sit in a corner). I don't want to be in a place where I'm more willing to sit in my spiritual corner just because God is calling me to do something really awkward or uncomfortable. I've been in that place many times, and I guess my prayer would be that I would get uncomfortable for once and let God pull me out of my corner and into something great. I need to stop missing out on great things because of my fear or my embarrassment.

All Moved In

2008-07-26T19:47:00.002-04:00

Moving is stressful. I don't know if you knew that. I'm sure you did. It's stressful. And painful. And tedious. And difficult.

But here we are in a really nice townhome. Our downstairs is pretty much set up the way we want it minus some small details. Bradelyn's room is almost done, my room is almost done being painted and Jennica's room is nowhere near done, but that's ok.
Today I developed a severe dislike for paint and painting. My hands have blisters, my arms are sore and even after a shower, I have paint marks everywhere. But God is good. I'm really very thankful to be moving into such a nice home with such nice appliances and two awesome girls. I've only had one freak out so far. I got frustrated, I went and sat down, I prayed about it and decided that God was allowing me to move on from what frustrated me. So I left. It was good. God is good. I so miss feeling connected with him. I think this new change, a new house, a new roommate (and an awesome used one. haha just kidding Jennica, I love you), a new adventure with Him is giving me a really good outlook. I hope it'll stick around.

There will be a blog at some point about the dangers of living within walking distance of a Bloom.
Close grocery store + 3 college students = big, fat trouble.

Never Alone

2008-07-23T01:30:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I'm still awake. I'm going to be mad at myself tomorrow, but the truth is, I can't stop reading this blog. There are several different stories I've been keeping track of lately or reading through that have been moving my heart and proving to me that God is really bigger than all of this. It amazes me how something like a sick or dying child can be so painfully heavy and difficult can also be so incredibly beautiful, comforting and peaceful all at the same time. My heart is really heavy tonight for more reasons than just this. I know it can be my turn for great things now if I can learn to give it up to God. I'm excited to see what He will do with me next. I'm excited that hearing other stories has stretched my faith in a way that encourages me to put more hope and trust in God in my own life.

One thing that stuck out to me tonight in this post is when she says that as much as it hurts to cry out to God, she is thankful that she can and she does.

I am not alone. When everyone else has failed me and has left me, my God, my Lord is by my side. No matter how much pain I am in, I know the Lord is with me and He is my Rock. He is my one thing in the world that remains solid and unshakable. I can't imagine going through anything without Him. I can't imagine how empty my heart would be without Him. Even if I never feel like I get a straight, complete answer from Him the way I want it, I know that at the very least I can just sit with Him, be with Him, cry to Him and find comfort in Him.

Also, "We Cry Out" by Kim Walker is on it's 15th straight play on iTunes, and it's actually been a great backdrop to the story I'm reading. I heard it in the office on Thursday and I'm now obsessed with it. You should hear it.

Context Clues

2008-07-22T16:01:00.002-04:00

So today Devyn wanted me to read her a book. The book of her choice was called Ella the Elegant Elephant. Not a bad book. On the cover is a picture of a small elephant with her school uniform on and a big, floppy red hat. Before I read the book, there was a small interaction that went something like this:

Me: Dev, what does 'elegant' mean?
Devyn: It means that your hat is big and ugly.

Hahaha, the logic of a 3 year old is great. She saw the picture, understood that the word had to do with the picture, and used context clue to define the word. It was a good try.

Creative Kids Make Good Liars

2008-07-21T13:04:00.003-04:00

I'm realizing there's a connection between a child's creativity and the skill with which they lie. At least in my life with the kids I work with. They're just able to think outside of the box and they're able to think ahead in order to get something that was once working against them to work for them. Case in point: Makenna has to wear shoes when she goes outside. She doesn't like wearing shoes, and she doesn't want to wear them outside. She has to wear them even while in the garage, and she DEFINITELY does not want to do that.
So today when we were talking about going outside and how nothing they do burns their energy or makes them tired, she came up with a good one:
"Well you just don't understand that you use more energy by not wearing shoes, so if we just ran around without our shoes on today then we would use all our energy and we would be tired and fall asleep!"

Perfect.

Identity

2008-07-19T09:12:00.002-04:00

This has been a really strange summer for me. It's my first summer outside of Greenville and sort of on my own. It's also my first time being somewhat homeless. That's the most interesting part. Thankfully we move in this Thursday (sort of...I guess we start moving in Thursday), but so far this summer Bradelyn, Jennica and I have been living in other people's houses or making extra trips home to have somewhere to stay. It's been an interesting time and I'm definitely ready to move into a permanent house that I can call home.

In the beginning, house-hopping was fine. I have plenty of generous people in my life who provide shelter over my head, and I'm very thankful for the family I've been staying with. However, in the midst of jumping around and living in houses that aren't mine, I'm facing a small struggle with identity. I realized it yesterday when I was about to drive home to Greenville. I wasn't sure if I felt good about going home, but I didn't necessarily want to stay where I was, but I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted to be anywhere else. So I'm realizing that this is the time where I need to make sure that I don't find my identity in a place or a group of people. I can't start feeling lost just because I don't have a permanent place to live. I have to remember that my identity is always in Christ and no matter where I go or where I live, I will always be His.

Five Things

2008-07-14T16:17:00.002-04:00

These are just 5 random, insignificant things that are on my mind and on my heart every now and then. There's no real reason for me to say these except that I feel like it. I was supposed to have 10 but I couldn't think of them so here are my 5;

1. For once in my life, I'd like to drive a car without the fear of it breaking down (though I am actually very thankful for cars and the fact that I live in a place where I can afford to have one to get me where I need to go).
2. I have a huge problem with being jealous of other people's accomplishments, especially when it comes to music. I would love to learn how to be happy for other people even when they get what I want.
3. I can not wait to get married someday.
4. I have a hard time convincing myself NOT to believe the world is going to end in 2012. Someone put the idea in my head last year and I haven't been able to get it out yet.
5. Yesterday on my way into Providence I learned a quick lesson that reminded me I need to give a lot more without expecting anything in return besides a "thank you" and sometimes not even that.

Twenty

2008-07-14T00:03:00.002-04:00

I think I can honestly say that I grew more, changed more and learned more in my 19th year than in any other. It was a ridiculous year that went by incredibly fast and taught me so much. It's funny because anytime I've mentioned it being my 20th birthday to someone 30 or older, they roll their eyes at me. "You're so young." And I enjoy it. I'm young, but I'm learning and growing every day. I'm facing things I never would have imagined facing. I'm trying to push myself to be better, and I'm having to look back far too often at how I have failed. But the more I fail, the more I learn that God is holding me up and building me up stronger every year.

At 16 or 17, I never would have imagined myself singing at Elevation church, taking a year to not date, forming relationships with great people and awesome and inspiring couples, living for the first time outside of my home or a dorm, or dealing with a drunk 17 year old brother at 4am (hey, you take the good with the bad). But here I am, turning 20 and facing all of those things. I'm so young, and I know that I have so much more to learn, but I am very thankful that God is choosing to squeeze so many life lessons into my young existence.

Sidenote; this morning when my mom was talking to my little brother about what he had done and why, he decided to compare himself to me and call me "perfect" like he'll never measure up. All my life I've compared myself to him and wished that I could be as funny as he is, as good at soccer as he is, or as good at making friends as he is. He sees me as someone who is all "Jesus-y" and "churchy" and who never gets in trouble; who never does anything wrong. It almost makes me sad at how wrong he is. Lately, every day I wonder why I make the same mistakes, how I could be better, what I need to do to be better, and why I can't just do it instead of think about it all the time. I wish I had a relationship with my family in which we talked and communicated enough to simply understand each other...
The bright side is that this incident proved to draw out some of the most sincere prayers I've had in a couple months, and I'm anxious to see what God is going to do with this situation.

Redeeming Love

2008-07-10T17:54:00.002-04:00

If you've never read the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. You have to. You just do. Trust me. I got it from awesome Meagan on Sunday and finished it this morning. That's the quickest I've read a book in a long time, and I just couldn't manage to put it down. It helps that Hosea is my favorite book of the bible and it's tattooed on my foot.

The book is helping me finally get it. Lately I've been struggling with the question of how could God love me after I've turned my back and deliberately sinned and closed my ears and my heart to Him so many times. How can He still look at me with love and adoration when I haven't been able to do anything right for Him? And even if it's true that He still loves me like that, why can't I find the strength to fix things? Why can't I control myself and get my act together?

He does love me without condition, and He always will. No matter how many times I turn away or fail, He will pull me back. But that doesn't mean I can stick to my crappy patterns that I've made for myself. The only time I will ever receive the freedom I need is after I surrender everything back to Him. When I finally learn how to understand Hosea 2:14 and let Him lead me back to the beginning and call me out of my mistakes to something better, I'll get that freedom.

Easier said than done, but I like it.

Together Again

2008-07-03T23:15:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting next to two of the weirdest people I know who happen to be having one of the weirdest conversations I've ever heard with someone I've never met. It's been a long day with lots of traveling and a little bit of stress, but I made it to Charleston and I'm happy to be back with my "family." Savannah Grace has been clinging to me either because she (1.) hasn't had much interaction with anyone but her family lately or (2.) she really did miss me. It took her about an hour, but Rylee is back to saying my name. And it took more than a couple hours because of working in the yard and his own exhaustion, but Phillip and I finally laughed about someone being gay on tv together. AND Anita is making the coolest cake ever on Saturday for Rylee's party, and I can't wait to eat it...and take pictures of it.
I've missed them, and I'm blessed to get to spend the weekend with them.

And I'm looking forward to a special beach trip before I head back up to Charlotte Saturday. I miss the ocean.

Word of the Day

2008-07-02T09:54:00.002-04:00

Today's word of the day is:

NOTHING.

What Can separate me from the Love of God?

NOTHING.

What do I believe can separate me from the Love of God?

Well...my sins, my failures, my mistakes (especially my repeated mistakes), my shortcomings, when I don't do my quiet time, when I don't do my quiet time well, when I don't pray "enough," when I pay more attention to myself than I do to God, when I struggle...

But NOTHING, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God sent Jesus, who died for us, who bridged the gap, and now God's Love and I are inseparable. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

NOTHING.

Cling

2008-07-02T00:15:00.003-04:00

My heart isn't good at doing things halfway, especially when it comes to people and relationships. When I dislike someone, it takes a good bit of effort for me to get over it and love them anyways. But when I love and admire someone, I really, truly, completely love them. I love the things they do, the way they speak, their outlook on life, the way they walk, talk, act, breathe, etc, etc. I'm not obsessed, I just have a really large capacity to love. And I like it that way. Most of the time.

James 4:8 says "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
In my head, it should say cling to God and He will cling to You.
When I love someone, I'm not content with just coming near to them and getting the surface level details of their life. I'm not happy to just be around them. I cling to the people I love; for two reasons:
1. I've learned in the past couple years that you're just going to lose people. People come in and out of our lives all the time, so I make sure to cling as long as possible.
2. I really do love them and want to soak up some of the qualities I love so much about them.

Usually I don't see this as a bad thing. I don't feel like I'm smothering or obsessed with anyone (please point it out and correct me if you think differently), I just genuinely love these people. My problem, though, is that I have not put near enough effort yet into clinging to God. I expect to feel Him clinging to me before I've made the move to really draw near to Him and know Him. And I don't think any of my relationships will ever be where I want them to be if I don't first cling to Him.

The funny thing is that I'm writing this post because I'm mad at myself for being so unbelievably clingy lately.
And now that I've spelled out the word "cling" so many times, my brain doesn't feel like it's a real word anymore...

Faith in Action

2008-07-01T15:48:00.003-04:00

For the last week, the most blogged about topic of Elevators has been the lives of two little girls who are struggling and their parents who are fighting for them in prayer and faith. Wade and Ferris are teaching a church about what real trust in God is, and I was really excited to read on Pastor's blog this morning that he'll be sharing more about their story this Sunday. Everyone needs to hear their story and see what it means to have faith that can move mountains (not to mention that a couple thousand people praying for this family will be an amazing thing).
So many lessons can be found in their situation. One of my favorites is the strategy/vision outlook. The vision God has given us in our lives or in our ministries is solid and set, but the strategy is unknown and always changing. The vision that God has given Wade and Ferris is that their little girls, Liana and Adleigh, will be healthy and well in the end of all of this. The strategy for this situation is a difficult one. There have already been ups and downs in the girls' health, and there will undoubtedly be many more. We have to understand that there will be struggles and there will be obstacles that might start to let doubt slip into our faith. But if we remain confident in the fact that God has said they will be healthy, then we need to take the bad with the good and continue to pray in faith.
I'm so excited to see the outcome of this situation because I've seen (or really, I've read) the kind of faith that Wade and Ferris have in our God. God will heal the girls, and God will keep them strong.
Please pray for them. Pray for the girls' bodies to be strengthened and for Wade and Ferris's faith to remain strong. They've already shown so much trust and faith that God will do what He has promised, and I'm excited to see how they continue to inspire us to put our faith in God, who can make the sun stand still.

Mirror of the Master

2008-06-28T13:51:00.004-04:00

Savior, I've done everything in my power to be like You are.
Now, Savior, I come with all of my failings.
Be who You are and make me like You.

Savior, I want to shine Your glory so the world can see You.
God, I am here: a fractured depiction of all that You are;
shine through me.

I'm just a mirror of the Master, trying to reflect His love.
Even when I fail, His love it still prevails,
so I will not give up

God, I want to be who You need me to be.
Shine through me.

Healer

2008-06-27T00:11:00.006-04:00

First, Wade posted this on his blog tonight.

http://kingcincinnati.wordpress.com/2008/06/26/healer/

It's an amazing story that not only gives Wade and Ferris even more hope for their little girls, I'm sure, but paints a bigger picture of our Healer. I was overcome by it for 2 big reasons:

1. JESUS!! Isaiah 53 says:
There was nothing attractive about Him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at Him and people turned away. We looked down on Him, thought He was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains He carried -- our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought He brought it on Himself, that God was punishing Him for His own failures. But it was our sins that did that to Him, that ripped and tore and crushed him -- our sins! Through his bruises, we get healed. We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost. We've all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong, on Him, on Him.

If you think of someone dying so horribly as through crucifixion, you think of how they must have done something terrible to deserve it. They had to have done some heinous, unforgivable act that would warrant such a painful, humiliating death. We look at Him as if He is unworthy; such a sinner. All we see is a brutal death that a sinner deserves, and we never stop to remember that He is dying that death because of OUR sins, not His. We've all done wrong, and God has put that weight onto Him.
I know it's something we already know, but the video tells the story in a deeper way. He has taken on all of our sins and transgressions so that we would be healed. He is the ultimate Healer and paid the ultimate price to be that for us.

2. I am pumped about Sunday. Leading is going to be such a new, awesome, different experience. Watching the video and how affected the people were by one man's message was amazing. I hope that on Sunday the church continues to come together to lift up Wade, Ferris, Liana and Adleigh. It's been a powerful week witnessing how God brings together people through unfortunate situations. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogs, e-mails and text messages going around to pray for the Joye's. I hope they're encouraged by the community that God has placed them in, and I honestly believe that God is going to answer all of our prayers for these 2 beautiful girls. I'm excited to see how the messages in the songs we sing apply to what's happening around us. I really hope that you'll be able to see on Sunday how everyone has been coming together this week and how we all come together to worship our wonderful Healer. I'm excited to see the church as the group following Jesus in anticipation for what He will do next.

I'm also interested in what my parents are going to think of it all...

The War

2008-06-23T13:52:00.003-04:00

I'm in the middle of a war: The Kids versus The Babysitter. Who can hold out the longest?

Will The Awful, Evil, No-Good Babysitter really keep one of us in time-out? Can she even do that? Why did we think she was so much fun earlier in the day? Maybe this chair isn't so bad after all. Maybe I'll just push her buttons until she cracks and lets me out just because she's tired...

Will they ever listen? Is that green time-out chair really that comfortable? Is this fight really worth the extreme annoyance it's causing me today? Especially because they're going to harvest a severe dislike for me the rest of the day. Yes. Yes it is. Because if I let her go, she'll know she can get away with anything and time-outs will soon become pointless...

So here we are.
Lord, give me patience. I want to be good at this. I want to walk away from the summer feeling like I earned my money, did a good job, and added something to their lives instead of just feeling like I was a bother for 3 months. I want to teach them something...and not anger. I want them to miss me when I'm done and say hey to me at church. I really just don't want them to hate me.

5 minutes later: A (forced) apology, and all is well; back to playing. First time-out by myself: successful.

Hungry

2008-06-19T20:13:00.002-04:00

The other day I was sitting on the floor in Makenna's room while they were playing some game that involved finding as many small, toy dogs as possible and playing "house" with them (creative, I know), and I was looking through their books. One was called "The Book of Knowledge" or something awesome like that, and I decided to look through it. It was broken up into sections, and there was one section on planets and stars and galaxies and whatnot. I'll go ahead and admit I let the girls continue their fun albeit not-as-productive-as-possible playtime so I could read the section in the book. It was awesome. When I was little, I wanted to learn about astronomy all the time. I just wanted to know more about it. I think it's the vastness of space. It's something so big that I can never understand on my own, so I wanted to read about it. And reading this book reminded me of that. I read about every planet (even poor Pluto, who can no longer claim the title), galaxies, the sun, stars, you name it.

I miss being at an age where I just wanted to learn...for the sake of learning. Where I would want to go find books just to soak of the information in them. I still love reading, but I don't do it enough. One area that I want this mindset in is with my quiet time. I want to go at my Bible with a hunger for knowledge of what's inside it. I want to read it aching to just know and understand what God has to tell me through it. I just miss being hungry for knowledge in general, I guess.

Walk in Love

2008-06-15T22:41:00.002-04:00

Today's worship set was great. I love it when the songs we do really line up with the message being preached. All the songs this morning were great and I feel like we had a lot of energy for all of them, but for some reason Walk in Love was spectacular. Sometimes the songs we do are so full and powerful, that I just stand on stage and laugh. It sounds weird when I say it, but I laugh because my spirit is so filled with joy from God that it overflows into my body and...I just laugh. It's really a lot of fun. I'd probably jump up and down if I wasn't afraid of losing my pack for my ears out of my back pocket.

So I wrote a blog on this a couple weeks ago, but today's sermon and singing Walk in Love four times was a continuous reminder that Love is way more important than we treat it. God IS Love. That should be enough. That should convince us that we were bought with Love, and therefore we should always walk in Love; Love towards our God, towards one another and towards ourselves. But we're not naturally inclined to do everything in Love. That's why God is "calling us out of ourselves to Love a world that's broken down." We have to rise above ourselves and fight to Love, no matter what.
My favorite part is when the song breaks into a quiet "hallelujah" and it's like...floating. (Sorry, I really love the song). Anyways, then it breaks into the end of the song where we shout and proclaim that we will Love and that we will BE His Love. He will shine in us, and we will be free to walk in Love.

I'm so grateful every week to work with the three guys who make our worship experiences what they are. You'll understand why when the church's worship album comes out. They obviously put their hearts into the music they write, and it shines through when you listen to it as the soundtrack to the life of Elevation church.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T17:18:00.004-04:00

I love my dad. I really do. He's not a really great Christian example in my life, but I look up to him all the same. He's always been around for me 100% even after he and my mom got divorced, and he's always shown his love for me; I've never questioned it. Lately I've also been learning that whether or not he agrees with me on a subject, he is always behind me and supporting me. He always wants what is best for me, and he is quick to protect me. At least, he does all of this to the best of his ability, considering he is often 2 hours away from me in Greenville. He'll never read this and he may never understand exactly how much I love him, but there it is. I also enjoy my relationship with him because I can relate it to my relationship with God, except as great as my father's love for me is, God's love is amplified so much more. I wish I could actually comprehend it.

P.S. I'm also really thankful for the other men in my life who have really led me, protected me, given me advice and acted as father figures in my life. Especially this guy.

P.P.S. These two guys are not only awesome men, but awesome bloggers as well. And I am always very diligent in saying hello to them in the office and keeping them on my blogroll. You are welcome.

Romans 5:2-5

2008-06-14T19:44:00.003-04:00

We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand--out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! -Romans 5:2-5

1. We finally realize that God is great and wonderful and glorious. We finally open up our lives to Him only to realize He already did it for us. He used Jesus to open up His door to us. We're so excited to finally get to a point that He has already brought us to. And that just brings us more excitement.
2. After this, we finally stand in God's grace, which is not closed off and boxed in; it is wide open. We're free to run, dance and play in His love and grace. It's not small or insignificant, but huge and freeing. It gives us plenty of room to stand up in His righteousness and shout our praise to Him.
3. Then there's more: because of the greatness we've experienced in God, we continue to shout our praise to Him when we are troubled and suffering. Because we know our suffering isn't in vain, but it leads to greater things, including a passionate patience. I don't really know how to view patience as passionate, but I find it interesting.
4. With all of this, we don't feel left out. We're not missing anything. Instead, we do not have enough space to contain the blessings God has poured into our lives.

I don't usually like the Message Remix unless I'm reading it beside the NIV, but I was having a hard time completely understanding this passage in the NIV so I'm sold on this version.

Fireflies

2008-06-13T00:11:00.004-04:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet:

Tonight, Rob and I realized that the fireflies had come out. I think I literally squealed when I saw them. I love fireflies. It wasn't really dark out yet, so there weren't too many out, but we decided to walk around the giant field that is his back yard to see more. We walked for a while and since it was getting dark out, I started to look down at my feet a lot. I was really just nervous I would step on an ant pile or in a hole or something lame. But once I would look down at my feet for a couple seconds, I realized I was missing the point of even walking out there: to look up and see the fireflies. And at that point it was getting too dark to even see what my feet were stepping on in the first place...

The point: what's great and beautiful and wonderful is ahead of us and in front of our faces. God has placed so many blessings into my life, especially this year. But sometimes I look down. I look down at the possible obstacles I'm going to face. I feel like there are so many lately. Some days it just feels like the world is going to completely fall out of place, and I just find it so easy to despair. But really, I don't even know what obstacles I'll face. I look down to find them, but I can't even see them, so there's absolutely no point. All I need to worry about it looking up to be reminded of the blessings I'm walking towards and experiencing every day.

[The past is beautiful like the darkness between the fireflies...]

Crazy Times

2008-06-09T16:15:00.003-04:00

So looking back on yesterday, I'm thinking it was probably one of the best days for a ton of things to go wrong. Which is really saying a lot considering there was no air conditioning at Butler for the first half of the morning, apparently the generators quick working at Providence, and (the most ridiculously intense moment I ever hope to experience in church) one of the girls working the camera at Providence during the 1:00 fainted and fell along with the camera into the seat next to me. She landed at my feet. It was crazy. I haven't heard any updates on her, I hope she's ok, but when I left she was sitting up and talking to the paramedics, so I'm hoping everything is alright.

My point of all that is to say that yesterday was NUTS. But I still had one of the best Sundays I've ever experienced, and I think it was the best time for it because we just started the One Prayer series, which is all about the church coming together under one God to serve Him and work together for His good. All of the junk that happens on Sundays doesn't ever hinder us from doing our work for God's glory. So many things went "wrong" yesterday, but the Church doesn't stop. Satan can throw all of the obstacles he wants in our way, but as long as we all come together as one Church with one prayer for one God, then we are unstoppable. We are dangerous. And it is awesome. I had an amazing day yesterday despite the threat of heat stroke and falling cameras, and the Church keeps on moving.

Quick Transitions

2008-06-08T00:04:00.004-04:00

I'm enjoying the process of taking my time and really going through Romans. I'm really bad at being patient and reading and re-reading and yadda yadda yadda trying to hear from God, but I'm making efforts.

Anyways, romans 3:23 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." So there, that's it. None of us are righteous (v.10) and we all sin and fall completely short of the goodness of God. There is no hope, and we cannot save ourselves or do anything to gain favor.
But romans 3:24 says "...and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." And there you go. That's it. We're just justified and taken care of because of Jesus; not because of our actions but because of His. Because of His grace and the fact that He loves us.

My favorite part is that it's short and sweet and it's a super fast transition from negative to positive. In the first part of the sentence we have nothing and we are nothing, but in the second part we are justified, saved, worthy and Loved.

No Matter What

2008-06-06T23:36:00.002-04:00

"What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true, and every man a liar...Someone might argue, 'If my falsehood enhances God's truthfulness and so increases His glory, why am I still condemned as a sinner?' Why not say -- as we are being slanderously reported as saying and as some claim that we say -- 'Let us do evil that good may result'? Their condemnation is deserved." [Romans 3:3-4,7-8]

One thing that I can hold onto during this stage of my life is that whether I am faithful to God or not, He is aways 100% without a doubt faithful to me. For the times when I let my circumstances hold me back from truly holding onto my faith, God is still there; He still fulfills His promise. He doesn't need us for anything, so when we lack faith, He does not stop moving. And this will be turned around. People will say, "Well if He is always faithful and good no matter what I do, doesn't that mean I can get away with my sin?" No, not really. People will look at this as an excuse to be sinful because no matter what we do, God remains faithful. But that's not how it works. God isn't manipulative with us, so we should not be with Him. We should just rest in the knowledge that when we make mistakes and our faith is lacking, He is always there working in our lives.

I'm easily discouraged lately because I feel like my sin has overtaken me and I'm irredeemable. I feel like I've done a horrible job in displaying my faith in God and that He has no reason to continue loving me and being faithful to me. I'm right in saying that I don't deserve it, but nevertheless, He will always be faithful to me.

Embracing Accusations

2008-06-04T01:27:00.002-04:00

I've spent much of my life embracing the accusations placed on me by satan. It's hard. It's hard to believe God is gracious enough to give us anything when we flat out know we deserve nothing.

The father of lies
Coming to steal, kill and destroy all my hopes of being good enough.
I hear him saying "cursed are the ones who can’t abide."
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed that I am cursed and gone astray.
I cannot gain salvation,
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying "cursed are the ones who can’t abide."
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me an age old song that I am cursed and gone astray.
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

I just think it's one of the most amazing and true songs I've ever heard. One of the hardest things for me to do in this stage of my life in my relationships and situations is to look at my mistakes and to MOVE ON. To accept the forgiveness that was offered to me a long time ago when Jesus died for me and to move past my sin to better things. It's easy to see your mistakes and acknowledge them. The hard part (for me) is moving on to get past my sins and to become better.

This song perfectly says what I feel so often and what I know is true. That every day the devil works hard to convince me that I am not loved and that I'll never be good; that if I can't follow all the "rules" then I am cursed and hopeless. Far too often, I believe he is right. I embrace accusations and by doing so, I fall a step behind because I'm more concerned with how condemned I feel than I am with getting past it. He makes me question everything, and he makes me feel like I might be confused or wrong. Maybe something I thought was from God was really from satan and vice versa. I did this when I broke up with Javy. For the first week, I couldn't figure out if I was led to end that relationship because God was moving me towards something different or because satan wanted to separate me to get me alone, weak and vulnerable. (Didn't take long to figure that one out).
If sin leads to death, I should be dead by now. The devil sings over me every day a song that tells me I am worthless. He works every day to tell me I am unloved and hopeless and alone; that my sin has overtaken me and I will never receive salvation, even though God has promised it. He sings this song, but he's forgotten what the refrain is. The refrain is beautiful and true and it covers every sin. Satan's song of condemnation may be hundreds, thousands, millions of pages long, but 2 simple words from God erase every evil and discouragement in our lives:

JESUS SAVES.

The Joys of Being Sick

2008-06-02T17:41:00.004-04:00

Woohoo.
So yesterday at the awesome wedding Rob and I went to, I started sneezing and fun stuff. By the time I got home, my throat was aching, and by the time I woke up, I felt like my throat was attacking me from the inside. So I went to the doctor, and here I am with tonsillitis!! So I'll go on antibiotics and hope I don't have to have my tonsils taken out just yet. Between singing at church and the beginning of my job (if it ever starts), I can't really deal with an operation plus recovery time right now. So prayers would be appreciated.

So...reading back over this later, it seems like I'm happy. I'll just be clear that it's sarcasm. My throat freaking hurts. But hey, I get all the rainbow sherbert I want until it stops hurting. Bring it on, pain.

Mutually Encouraging

2008-05-30T13:41:00.002-04:00

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-- that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith. -Romans 1:11-12

I think because everyone is so different and responds to words, actions or gifts differently, we may never be sure of how to really encourage someone. I mean, you might tell someone they did an awesome job when really they wanted a high five or a hug. Or you might give someone a gift to show encouragement and appreciation when really they just want you to spend time and talk with them. There are people in my life that I haven't figured out yet, so I have a hard time encouraging them because something that may work for me may not work for them.

But in the book of Romans, Paul wants to meet with them so that they can be encouraged by each other. Not by their words or gifts or actions or time, but by their faith. They're example of faith in God is enough to be an encouragement.

I can think of tons of ways to try and encourage those around me, but the simplest one is to continue to have faith in my God. I know this is true because I am most encouraged when I see my closest friends continue to have faith in Christ through everything in their lives. It is by their own example of faith that I find encouragement to continue on in mine.

Lost and Found

2008-05-29T09:45:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite blogs to read is Stuff Christians Like. Most of the time it's just sarcastic comments about the ridiculous things that churches and Christians tend to do out of habit, but every now and then he sticks in a post that teaches me a lot or speaks on an issue I'm dealing with. Today's post is about faith as an event. The post was good, but the last 2 little paragraphs got to me.
Lately I've been feeling lost. Not only that, but I haven't felt like anyone has been trying to find me; not God, not my friends or my family, no one. And that's hard for me to deal with. I agree with Jon when he says that we all want to be found. I've found myself "hiding" in the past in an effort to get anyone to notice I was gone just so that someone would come looking for me. It usually doesn't happen.

"We need to be found. Not once in a single moment of salvation but daily. Hourly even, we need the God of the universe to come running. To find us. To know us and love us."

I really agree. I don't know what it takes to get my mind wrapped around the fact that I do have a Father who is looking for me and loves me and wants to find me. Maybe if I can figure that out, I'll actually be found.

Before Anything Else

2008-05-22T12:52:00.002-04:00

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
-1 Peter 4:8

"Love" has been popping up in front of my eyes all over the place since I started reading the New Testament. It's put first all the time. Jesus says the most important commandments are about love. Loving God and loving each other.
Love, at least in my world, isn't important enough. It's not valued and practiced. I mean, trust me, I love plenty of people. I love my entourage (as small as it may be these days), my best friends, my family, my "family" (even if they're leaving), my God. But I still don't love enough. I don't love the people who don't love me, the people I'm not close to, the people I don't respect, the unlovable. I don't often reach outside of my comfort zone to offer love and mercy to those who hurt or offend me. I don't speak out of love all the time. Actually, I probably speak more out of hurt and anger than I do love. My actions don't show love all the time, either. I don't serve others in love as much as I should. Really, I have the potential to do everything and always speak out of Love. The least I can do is make the effort.

we were bought with Love, so we walk in Love
You're calling us out of ourselves to Love a world that's broken down
so we walk in Love
Hallelujah

Baby Steps

2008-05-20T22:42:00.002-04:00

In James 3, it talks about taming the tongue. I think one of the first and most helpful things I could do to submit myself back to God would be to tame my tongue. This involves cursing, yelling, fighting, gossiping, etc.

The most interesting part I see in this is:
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have een made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? [James 3:9-11]

We find it really easy to praise God, and we find it really easy to badmouth each other. One of the things my girls and I talked about tonight in small group is how people make "noise" by acting and claiming that they are Christians and turning around to gossip and talk about things they probably shouldn't be talking about. So instead of building each other up to become one body worshiping God, we create "noise" that tears us apart.

Step one: tame the tongue.

James 4:1-10

2008-05-19T23:31:00.002-04:00

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight.

I find myself fighting a little bit more with the people I love the most (one in particular) lately. I just find myself being short and easily angered or annoyed. Then I end up snapping, which hurts someone else's feelings, which makes me feel like crap, and then no one wins. Nothing serious has happened lately, but my selfish desires in my heart don't build up a sense of peace and joy, they leave me empty and wanting. Things that don't even seem to relate to my anger have been causing me to fight. I try and I try, but I cannot have what I want.

You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

In all honesty, I haven't really been asking God for...much of anything lately. Haven't asked for peace, joy, strength, a better temperament. I haven't been asking Him for a lot of things I would do good to have. And if I do ask, it's not because I'm thinking of how I want God's glory to be displayed through my life or because I want to better serve those around me; it's because I'm uncomfortable and unhappy with the condition of my heart and I want to be happy.

You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?

I feel like the world and I have a great friendship lately. God and I? Not so much. I'm just really good at being lazy; at lowering my standards to this world's. I've always loved thinking of God as jealous of our love. It's easy to relate to and understand. I'm often jealous when the people I love would rather spend time with someone else. My God must miss me when I spend all my time with someone else.

Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your day to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

I just need to let go. To submit my life back to God where it belongs. Because in my hands, in the world's hands, I'm dying. The Bible makes it seem so simple. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Simple solution: if I would just make the effort. If I would just submit and do what He tells me and reach for Him, then He would reach for me, too. So easy, and so hard. Wash your hands. I like that. It's time to wash myself of my laziness and stubborn tendencies. Time to refuse to accept that I can go for weeks at a time without really hearing from God or making an effort to.
It's so funny, writing all of this makes me think of Jess and how I absolutely love her honesty and openness in her blog. I love her spirit about what God has done and is doing in her life. Her willingness to admit her struggles and her humility. And I especially love watching her worship on Sunday mornings while I'm on stage. I can always see her and she always looks free, and I envy that a little bit. I think of her because her blog is titled "Mourning into Dancing," and this passage tells us to humble ourselves by turning our laughter and happiness into grieving. But it's about submission to the only One who can lift us up because of it.
Submission and obedience are the problems I've had in the last year or 2, so it all fits together. Really all I could ask for right now is for God to give me an attitude of humility so that in the end, He could lift me up again.

Freaking Hilarious

2008-05-16T23:55:00.002-04:00

I've been lacking in the blog area lately (the only reason I've even had my last 3 posts is because of events or happenings going on in my life); sorry.
I also don't have a real reason for this post except to say that I have been laughing with 4 of the most amazing people ever tonight. To the point that my stomach was starting to hurt in this last half hour. I'm not sure if it's the pure sugar found within fun dip (crappy lime utensils and all) or just the fact that right now we're allowed to not think about moving or school or jobs or anything else besides the movies we're quoting. I seriously can't remember the last I've gotten to laugh this hard. I'm not sure if I'm ruining it by actually typing it out, but I couldn't waste this. It's worth remembering to me. Amazing.

Happy Birthday!!

2008-05-14T11:03:00.003-04:00

That's right, today is my best friend's birthday!
He's already gotten several facebook messages about his "old age," and I'm sure he'll get many more. But he's 26 today (and not extremely excited...except for escaping the draft. There's always a plus side). So for his birthday, here are some of the things I enjoy the most about Rob:

-His faith and his walk with God. Just in the past 6 months, I've seen him move, quit a job, spend months unemployed waiting for an answer and get another job. Not to say he hasn't struggled through some of those moves, but I've watched him remain solid in his faith that God has big things planned for his life.
-His story. He's been through some hard times, but he is one of the few people I know who is now able to brush things off and keep a positive, happy outlook on life. He's let God shape him into someone with an easygoing personality who doesn't really ever hold grudges and who handles hard times well, which definitely encourages me and helps me handle my struggles better.
-His sense of humor. This kid makes me laugh harder than almost anyone else I know (except maybe Michael and Jennica when they're together talking about the most ridiculous things). He's incredibly inappropriate sometimes, but I'm learning to deal with that haha.
-His heart to serve, especially children. Watching him work in Ekidz is awesome for me. Seeing the work and effort he puts into getting kids excited about coming to church is such a blessing. Hearing him get excited about his middle school small group is incredible, too. I know it will get harder for him to continue to serve to the same extent with his new job, but it's just another example of him being faithful to God.
-His attitude of encouragement. He's been a great source of positivity and encouragement in my life in the last 6 or 7 months. His ability to make people laugh is a source of encouragement in itself, and he does that often.

Trust me, there's more, but that's my best friend in a nutshell. He's encouraging, funny and full of energy; a LOT of energy. So Happy 26th Birthday to him. I hope it's a great one.

Chuck town

2008-05-08T16:07:00.004-04:00

So it's already been an interesting trip to Charleston, and we've only been here for 24 hours. Here are some highlights:

-Managed to get an awesomely horrible flat tire on the way here. But Phillip changed it and drove my car the rest of the way while I chilled with Anita and the girls (that helped me and my nerves more than they realize).
-Made it up here and hung out until Phillip spoke (on restoration, preservation and conservation. Pretty awesome, in my opinion. It only took me about 5 minutes to realize it would ridiculously beneficial to take some notes).
-This morning, Lolli, SG, Rylee and me went to a small park on Daniel Island. Completely threw off the girls' schedules by not eating until almost 2:30. Thankfully, Rylee is still sleeping (though I'm not sure how, considering we both woke up at 11 this morning).

I've got a constant headache (partially from hitting my head on a large, wooden, toy boat) and I'm pretty tired, but so far this trip is awesome.

Persevere

2008-05-06T10:54:00.002-04:00

I'm having a real issue with God lately. One of us isn't completely "there," if you know what I mean. And I'm sure it's me. I just don't know where I am, but I know I'm struggling daily to understand His love for me. Because lately I just don't feel it. At all. Trust me, I still know He loves me, I'm just not feeling it or living like it, I guess. I feel out of it.
But James 1.3-4 says that "the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."
Which makes me realize that maybe I just haven't learned how to persevere yet. Maybe my faith just hasn't been tested to that level yet. It's discouraging for me to walk through life not understanding or feeling God's full love for me, but if I persevere, I might find it.

On a positive note, I get to go to Charleston this week with my "family." I'm excited to be a nanny for four days and spend some quality time with them while I still have the chance. Now if only I could just finish packing and get all of my crap out of my dorm room.
Goodbye, sophomore year.

Here I am to Worship. Just Worship.

2008-05-05T09:54:00.003-04:00

I think it's safe to say that doing background vocal stuff on Sunday mornings is my favorite way to serve at church. I love singing, and I love being on stage. However, I know it's really easy for me to get caught up in being on stage in front of people and forget about focusing entirely on worship. The hardest part is making sure I'm not focused on the actual singing and how good I want to sound or how the harmony blends or how loud I am.
This week I experienced exactly what my job is on Sunday mornings when I'm on stage. For warm-up, run through and all 4 services at Providence, my microphone was basically inaudible (don't ask why I didn't get it fixed). It might have been on a little bit. Maybe not; I really don't know. It doesn't matter. My point is that there was absolutely no point in me being on stage yesterday in terms of singing because no one heard me. But when I consider what my "job" is on Sunday mornings -- to simply worship and encourage and lead others to worship a phenomenal God -- I did exactly what I needed to.
There are times when I get so caught up in singing. I love singing and I feel like it's one of the most active gifts God has given me (as in, I use it and people see it and it's a working gift). I know I'm good at it, too. I'm glad yesterday was a lesson in humility for me in that. I'm glad that God uses us on Sunday mornings for more than just superficial showboating. And I'm glad that he can use low microphone volume to teach me a lesson in what it means to help lead worship.

If I'm Lying, I'm Dying

2008-04-29T11:14:00.002-04:00

Right before Acts 5.1-11, everyone is coming together. “All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had…There were no needy persons among them” (4.32, 34a). People are selling their possessions and bringing the money back to the apostles so that they can distribute it to the people who need it. Then, chapter 5 starts of with a story of a man, Ananias, and his wife, Sapphira. Verses 1 and 2 say that they sold a piece of property and “with his wife’s knowledge, [Ananias] kept back part of the money for himself” and gave the rest to the apostles. When he gave the money to Peter, Peter called him out on lying about it, and the dude literally fell dead at his feet. Later, after they carry him out, Sapphira (who doesn’t know that her husband has died yet), comes in to Peter. He asks her if the money Ananias had given was the same amount of money he had received for his property, and she says yes. He calls her out just the same and she falls dead at his feet, too.

I want to be a good wife someday. I do want to be submissive to my husband, and I want him to be able to lead me. However, I hope I’m the kind of wife who can call her husband to resist the sin and temptation he faces in order to help him through it rather than holding his hand and walking into it with him. Sapphira knew that her husband was holding back the money and she knew that he was going to lie to Peter, and she was fine with that. She helped him along, and she suffered for it. What got her is that she didn’t realize her husband had been called out and had died. She could have come clean and admitted her sin and been free, but she stuck with it and died with him.
They weren’t punished for holding back the money. They were punished because they were deceitful and lied about it. By lying, they were trying to appear super generous when really they weren’t giving it all. They were trying to make themselves seem really pious, and they were doing it to be seen and noticed; for selfish gain. And Peter specifically says that Ananias had not lied to men, but to God.
I just think it’s crazy that they died from lying. They tried to deceive the Holy Spirit and hold onto what did not belong to them, and they just dropped dead. There’s a story to tell your kids about lying…

Dishonor in Honor

2008-04-28T12:38:00.002-04:00

So I finally made it through the gospels. I think it took me about a semester (not because I was thorough and spent time to unpack it but because of my inconsistency), and now I'm in Acts. in chapter 5, the apostles are going around preaching what Jesus had taught and working in His name to start the church. The Sanhedrin is mad, and they want to put Peter to death.
(This doesn't have much to do with my main point, but I liked it. A Pharisee named Gamaliel gets up and explains that there have been a couple people in the past that have appeared and attempted a revolt, but they were killed and their followers dispersed. He convinces them to just let it be because "if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God." The verse itself is really good, but with the examples before it, it's freaking awesome. I could do more on that, but that's not my point).

After that, "the apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." I laughed at this. I think it's great. I can just pictures a group of 20-something year old guys walking out of an intense situation laughing with each other, high-fiving and talking about how crazy life is sometimes. Acts is full of their first experiences where they were really living like Christ. They were really putting themselves out there and risking persecution for it. And they were so excited when it happened because they knew they were continuing the work Jesus had started. I think a part of it was the whole guy thing where they don't mind getting into potentially life-threatening, adrenaline-filled situations as long as the come out of them alive and triumphant. The message remix says that "they had been given the honor of being dishonored on account of the Name." The honor of being dishonored. I love it.

I just think it's really amazing that these guys are fully learning how to live for Christ and how to put themselves out there in order to preach the Gospel, and they're kind of excited about having their lives threatened. Jesus told them they would be persecuted in their name because if He was persecuted, were they any better? He told them this would happen, and it did. And now they're excited to see that Jesus was right, but He has left the Holy Spirit and with all of that knowledge, they continue to carry on with joy.

Much Love

2008-04-22T14:55:00.001-04:00

Ok Rob beat me to the punch when he wrote his blog about how insane our friendship has been and how God works even if we're not noticing it, but I swear I planned to use him as an example in my blog before he did. So, with that said, Rob is my best friend. We spend a lot of time around each other, and I think it's safe to say that he knows me better than anyone; not just that he can tell you things about me, but that he understands my personality and my reactions to things and my emotions. He's experienced just about every ridiculous emotion from me. He sees me at my best and at my worst and somehow manages to love me equally at both of those times. I've done some pretty stupid things, reacted very poorly to certain situations and allowed myself to give up and let my negative emotions control me. He knows my flaws, but he recognizes them without dwelling on them. He encourages me to move past them because he sees the potential in me.

I'm very limited in my scope of how big God is. I need to attach human characteristics all of the time in order to understand Him. I feel like sometimes I do keep Him in a box, but I need to start small with examples from my life to remember His love for me. (And that was my disclaimer so that no one thinks that I view Rob as equal to God in my life. That said,) Jesus' love for me is like my best friend's multiplied by a million. Jesus knows the things about me that even I've forgotten. He's heard every blasphemous, hateful, curse word-ridden thought I've ever had. He knows my deepest fears and my strongest doubts against Him. He sees my insecurities and my insufficiencies. He's seen me lie, cheat and steal. But somehow, at the end of the day--in a way I'll never understand--He still loves me as His daughter. He still speaks to the potential within me rather than dwelling on my flaws. He knows that I'm growing and that one day I will overcome the things that hold me back from Him. So I'm still trying to put God's love for me into perspective. And even aside from Rob(ert), I have plenty of people who show me that small fraction of what God's love for me is like. I just need to take all of that and learn how to magnify it, understand it and embrace it.

On His Own

2008-04-21T11:27:00.002-04:00

God puts people in our lives to teach us certain things. I think that's obvious. But what's really cool is when God teaches us something directly...or at least almost directly. I mean there are always people or circumstances or resources that help us along.
In my opinion, singing is something that God taught me more directly. Neither of my parents are incredibly musically inclined. They surrounded me with a lot of music when I was little and they encouraged me, at least. And I was in chorus from 3rd to 12th grade, so obviously that did something. But for the most part, singing is an innate ability. I think I like it better that I can't really give credit to anyone but God for it. And that amplifies it's meaning to me. Because singing is something weirdly personal for me. I rarely sing in public like I do when I'm by myself. I don't like singing in front of small groups of people because I'm afraid of seeing their reactions up close. I can't explain it, but it's just...my own, and I have a hard time sharing it sometimes.
My point is that we're taught certain things by the people God has put in our lives. We're taught by the situations God puts us in. We're taught by a lot of things a lot of times, but sometimes God does it by Himself.

Mary.

2008-04-19T02:16:00.002-04:00

So I was all ready to go to sleep (because I have to be up in about 5 hours to get ready and leave for Motion rehearsal and I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night) when I finally did my quiet time. I know. 2am. I'm a total slacker. Not the point.

In John 20:10-18, Jesus has died and has been put in the tomb. Mary and some of the disciples have already been there and discovered that He is gone. The disciples leave and Mary stands outside Jesus' tomb crying. As she's crying, she looks in the tomb and sees two angels standing where His body was. They ask her why she's crying, and she explains that Jesus is gone and she doesn't know where His body is. As soon as she said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, except she didn't recognize Him. So He asks her why she's crying and who she's looking for. Thinking He's the gardener, she asks Him if He has taken the body. And then...maybe the most amazing, intimate, beautifully simple verse I've read in a really long time:

Jesus said to her,"Mary."

And instantly she recognizes Him. Without hesitation, she realizes that He is Jesus, her Teacher, her Lord. I'm not sure yet how to explain why this affects me the way it does, but I think it's wonderful. She's crying and crying because her hope has died on the cross and she can't even see and take care of His body. I'm sure seeing 2 angels was pretty unbelievable for her, but all she wanted to do was figure out where Jesus was.
And then He shows up (because He always does), but she can't recognize Him. Not yet. Not until He calls her specifically by name. He doesn't have to yell. He doesn't have to fight. He doesn't have to do anything extreme. He says her name, and that's it. She's done. In my head, this moment is extremely intimate and personal. He doesn't have to shout. In my head, He barely breathes her name. But in that breath, her eyes are opened and she sees the Teacher for who He is, and I can just imagine the peace she has in that moment.

In my struggle to view Jesus has a personal entity in my life, I feel like maybe I'm looking at Him all the time. Maybe I'm staring right at Him without recognizing Him. But I'm just waiting for Him to say my name in one breath that wakes me up and floods my heart with peace. I'm just waiting for Him to say my name.

They'll Know We Are Christians

2008-04-18T12:19:00.003-04:00

by our Love.

Lately, God has been putting it on my heart to think deeper about the idea of Love. I've started reading the Ragamuffin Gospel, which is phenomenal. I really just want to get it through my thick skull that God has already saved me, He already loves me and He has called me to Love. Jesus loved the outcasts. He loved everyone. We're called to love everyone. Aside from that, I'm still going through John. 13:34-35 says
[a new command I give you: Love one another. as I have Loved you, so you must Love one another. by this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you Love one another]
and on top of that, we've started reading "On Religion" by John Caputo in my religion class. The first chapter is just on God and Love in general.
One of my favorite lines so far is "if Love is the measure, the only measure of Love is Love without measure." And it's about loving without holding anything back. About loving unconditionally and beyond mediocrity. We put boundaries on our love without even realizing it. We have extremely high standards for the people we love. It's easy to love our best friends, but much harder to love the people we think are weird (even though we're just as weird). "The mark of really loving someone or something is unconditionality and excess, engagement and commitment, fire and passion. Its opposite is a mediocre fellow, neither hot nor cold, moderate to the point of mediocrity." And I'm reminded that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. When we really love, we throw ourselves into something. We commit and we commit with passion. When we don't love, we don't care.
And then it comes full circle back to God in 1 John 4:7-8 -- "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love...God is love and those who abide in love abide in God and God abides in them."

Loving each other is loving God. Love is God. God is Love. Ok, I can't help myself. One more quote:
"As Love is the first name of God, "of God" is also the best name we have for those who Love."

I'm sorry. I feel like I could have split all of that up and unpacked each part and made this blog worthwhile, but this is all I have for now. God is Love, and He has called us to love in His name.

There's Really No Point

2008-04-15T11:14:00.003-04:00

I'm writing to say that I have nothing to write about.
Exciting, I know. Anyways, here are some things going on:

-Rob and I went to see Wicked this past weekend at Ovens (thanks Bradelyn). It was an awesome show. I've been listening and dancing around to the soundtrack since Friday.

-School is quickly coming to a close and I'm freaking out. No job, no place to live (if you have a spare room in your house, I might be moving in with you very soon). Should be an exciting beginning to the summer.

-I'm back on stage this week, and we're doing "Sing Your Praises Out" which I think I can safely say is my favorite song from our guys.

-Also, Clemson's FCA band is traveling up here to Winthrop tonight to lead worship for our FCA. Considering the last time our own students led worship for FCA and made it painfully obvious that they hadn't practiced or prepared one bit, I'm super excited to have a band who is willing to put excellence into worship. Elevation has ruined me in that sense; I'm very thankful.

-Aaaaaand...that's all I've got.
It's a lame week in the blogging world for me.

He is Sovereign

2008-04-09T19:04:00.003-04:00

Yesterday in one of my religion classes, we started studying theodicy. We spent the class talking about religion and how suffering plays into our lives and how we explain it. Then today I opened my bible to continue going through John to find I'm on the passage where Jesus heals the man who has been blind since he was born. He sees the man and His disciples ask Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus answers, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
One of the types of Theodicy we talked about was the Appeal to Sovereignty. Anyone else who spoke up about this type of theodicy argued that this was the least satisfying of all of the types. They felt that it left too much room for chance and didn't provide instant gratification. The funny thing is that this type was the most satisfying to me because it requires the most faith. I believe that I serve a God who is good, all-knowing and all-powerful. Therefore, I believe in a God that uses our shortcomings and weakness and disabilities to show His glory through our lives. The problem of suffering is no problem at all if it displays His power, His strength and His beauty through us.
If the man had not been born blind (if he did not have a problem that was seemingly impossible to fix), then Jesus would not have had to work that miracle in his life and God's glory would not have been displayed in that specific way in that man's life.

Really Free?

2008-04-07T20:29:00.002-04:00

In John 8:31-59, Jesus is talking with some Jews who claim to follow Him. The entire passage is really good and hopefully I'll figure out how to condense it and blog about it later, but what really got me were the first few verses of it.

"Jesus said, 'If you hold to My teaching, you are really My disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.' They answered him, 'We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?'"

It's so funny to me because half the time we don't even realize we're not free. These guys are kind of offended that Jesus would claim they are slaves. They're obviously much better than that. But really...they're not. We're not. Jesus offers us freedom, but we won't take it sometimes because we don't even realize how trapped we are by our sin. It reminds me of what Pastor said about our disabilities. Jesus asks us "Do you want to get well?" And we are offended that He would even ask such a question. Until we realize that we've been hiding behind those disabilities and letting them become our facade. Jesus tells us that we could be free, and we are offended that He would even imply that we were not already. Jesus goes on to say that whoever has sinned is a slave to that sin. We are slaves through and through. If we were not, we would not sin. But still, Jesus offers us freedom every day.
You would think with the word written permanently on my wrist, I would remember to take that freedom more often. You would think that I would get tired of being held captive by my sins and that I would learn how to get over myself and let Jesus set me free and make me well.

P.S. Lee McDerment's cd is phenomenal. As good as it is, it just makes me more excited about Elevation's cd coming out. We went back and recorded some extra crowd vocals today, and it was awesome. The very small amount we heard off of it blew me away. I'm so thankful to have the guys we have who have worked so hard on this. It's going to be great.

You See Weakness, I See Strength

2008-04-04T14:31:00.005-04:00

So it's pretty obvious that I'm emotional (as Jennica so kindly pointed out last night by asking "But Kelly...what doesn't make you cry?" Thanks for reminding me, roomie).
Anyways, I was thinking today about who I was before I chose to live for Jesus. I was pretty normal, I think. I was emotional, but I think a lot of that was just because I was a girl coming out of middle school with divorced parents (and a dad who moved on far too quickly, in my opinion) and a brother who didn't exactly want to be my best friend. I was the normal kind of emotional. The kind that most girls go through and grow out of...or at least they learn how to hide it.
What I realized, though, is that most of my emotional-ness comes out of my decision to follow Christ. Yeah, I was emotional before, but since being saved, it's picked up a bit. And what this tells me is that it's a characteristic of myself that is in me for a very specific reason. It's something that God chose to build in me. It only makes sense to me, then, that this trait would be heightened once I chose to live for Him.

This is something that I've been struggling with for a while, and I'll probably struggle with it for the rest of my life: trying to tone down my emotions and keep them in control without burying and hiding the fact that they are built into me very intentionally by my Maker. For now, I'll stay reassured that (since they've only gotten stronger as my walk with God has progressed) they are within me for a reason and hopefully they will only help me in pursuing the heart of my God.

Stay Strong

2008-03-26T12:04:00.002-04:00

When I was home last week, I got to watch my brother play 3 soccer games. I love watching Michael play. He's fast, he's strong and he's skilled. He's a great player and a good leader. And considering he's a head taller than me and a thousand times stronger, I always consider him to have very little to be afraid of. However, a year ago, he ruptured his spleen during a game. Another kid knocked his legs out from under him, and he just hit the ground so hard that it ruptured. He spent a week in the hospital and it healed itself, and now he plays every game with a chest protector thing (that, in all honesty, wouldn't do a darn thing if his body was put in the same situation).
I always expected this to change his playing style. The truth is that if my mom hadn't taken him to the hospital when she did, he wouldn't be alive today. So it's no surprise that when he finally got back into the game, the possibility of that same experience would keep him from giving it everything he has. Even knowing all of that, it frustrates me so badly to see him holding back. He plays scared. He plays nervous. Watching his games are pretty interesting experiences for me. Half the time, I'm mad at him for turning his back to a ball or shying away. The other half, I'm doing everything I can to encourage him to keep pushing through it.

My point is that I know he's strong, and I know he's one of the best players on his team. He has strength and leadership ability and plenty of other good qualities, but when he spends his time playing scared, he's not living up to his potential. I want him to understand that he has a ridiculous amount of potential and promise in him (obviously this transfers outside of soccer as well) and he needs to use it.
So how many times in life do I shy away from what I'm capable of because I'm unsure? How often do I play scared? How is God encouraging me to stay strong and live up to my potential? What injury in my past has caused me to doubt my skills and ability that God has clearly placed in me for a reason?

to God be the glory

2008-03-24T11:51:00.002-04:00

Oh my word, God is good!!!
Yesterday was such a monumental day. Almost 5000 people in 6 worship services and over 500 people chose to give their lives up to Christ and live for Him!!
God is so good and most certainly alive. I'm so thankful to be a part of this movement.

Yesterday was one of the best worship experiences I've ever had and definitely THE best I've had at Butler. The energy was just insane. We prayed together beforehand (which I'm finding out makes a huge difference. When we forget to pray or when every band member is not included in it, the energy is different). The song choices for the morning were phenomenal. The transition from We Are Alive to the bridge of Jesus Paid it All to SHOUT UNTO GOD (such an amazing, powerful, compelling, passionate song) was great. It took everything in me to not jump up and down on stage and dance around in circles. Ben Richter (not a clue who he is or where he's from, by the way) added a lot to it. The fact that the materials used for the grinders routine took up a lot of the stage pushed us in and made it a more interactive experience. I can't even explain in words how powerful the worship experience was yesterday. Oh my goodness, I'm already excited to get back on stage.

My God is so good.

Our Hearts Respond to Greatness

2008-03-21T03:03:00.005-04:00

In the past couple days I've been overcome and overwhelmed by the sensation that I am on the edge of great things. I have no idea where this is coming from, but I'm embracing it. The past few months have been a struggle. I've been discouraged and underwhelmed by my own progress. So many things have been moving around and changing in my life (and the lives of those closest to me) lately, that everything has been left in a very unstable state. But I honestly think that God has been setting all of us up for something huge. I couldn't tell you if anyone else feels the same way, but I'm excited. I'm excited to be posting a blog that's not semi-depressing or speaking only of struggles and weakness. I'm excited just to be excited about something.

I love Elevation's song "Sing Your Praises Out." I think part of telling about the great things God has done is expecting and knowing that He will continue to do more great things. It never stops. If He has been faithful so far, He will continue to be. My favorite line is that our hearts respond to greatness. We move when God shows us greatness. He has most definitely shown us greatness, and I'm excited to see what the next step is towards Him.

Perfect Timing

2008-03-20T17:22:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite things about looking at my past and things that have happened in my life is witnessing how God's timing is always good and perfect. Even when I can't figure it out at the time, looking back assures me that God is incredibly smart and will never be wrong.

The example I'm thinking of right now is in books. Through the past 4 or 5 books that I've read, I can look back and see how each one came at the perfect time. Whatever each book had to teach me taught it when I was perfectly positioned to receive the information.
The first two books I'm thinking of dealt with dating. They came about 3 months into a period in which I decided not to date. They came right about the time when I was falling back into that lonely, woe-is-me-I-am-not-loved period. They reassured me that I wasn't ready to date anyone anyways. They tore down my incorrect visions of dating and helped me fix my views on dating so that the next time I got there, I could be prepared to do it right.
The third book was "The Last Word and the Word After That." This is the book that helped me understand that my beliefs can not be what everyone else has told me to believe. It helped me work through things that I only believed because I was told to, and it helped me understand things I had never given thought to. I still find myself applying and working through the concepts in the book almost every day.
The next book was "Visioneering." I think if you read my blog at all, you've been able to see me work through this one. In all honesty, this book tore me up. I went into reading it with somewhat of an idea of God's vision for my life. I finished the book completely thrown off and screwed up about what God wants for the rest of my life. Not a clue. And I think that God used that book to show me that I was wrong. I think He used that book to tear down some walls. Walls that I thought I had been building correctly. I was wrong.
Right now I'm headed into "Captivating," and I already think it's phenomenal. I feel like this book is going to help me get ready for the next step God has planned for me to take. I feel like this will help me rebuild those walls so that they are correct. I think God has me on the edge of great things, and I'm so excited to have the resources to help me through.

It's amazing for me to look back and see how God put each of those books in my life at a perfect time. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
(Thanks Rob and Phillip for giving me those books).

7 Things

2008-03-19T16:35:00.002-04:00

YAY! I've been tagged by the wonderful Ferris. The deal is to write 7 random facts about yourself and tag 7 people (which I guarantee I won't be able to do, since most of the girls I would tag have already been tagged and I highly doubt any men are about to waste blog space doing something like this. But hey, feel free to do it even if I don't bother tagging you).

1. I have this weird thing where I almost feel like I have to be reading something while I'm eating. I don't care if it's the nutritional information on a cereal box or the little advertisement things in restaurants; I almost always read while I'm eating.

2. I am ridiculously sentimental. My memories are attached to smells, sounds, pictures, songs, people, names, etc. I hold on to memories for a long time, and I love re-experiencing (is that a word?) those memories. Even vague things. For example, today I walked outside to get something out of my car. It was warm, it had been raining, and the smell of the rain on pavement reminds me of running around the neighborhood when I was little in the summers. I loved it.

3. I'm learning how much I love to laugh. Now I'm to the point where I don't care so much if I'm obnoxiously loud while doing it. I think I've laughed more in this past year than I have ever before. It's phenomenal.

4. I drink way too much soda. My favorite is mountain dew/code red. I'm pretty sure I'm addicted now. I can't remember the last day I've gone without having at least one can or bottle of soda.

5. I watch way too many trashy "reality" tv shows, and I've managed to hook Jennica on them, as well. Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, etc. You know, basically any show that presents the exact opposite image of what Jesus had in mind when He spoke about Love. It's a guilty pleasure. I'm only mildly ashamed.

6. I'm a really huge fan of being friends with adults. When I was younger, I got along better with adults than I did with kids my age. I remember my parents having several Christmas or New Years parties where I spent the majority of the time with them. I like when they respect me enough to have a real conversation with me.

7. I have a different view of myself on the inside. You know, there's the usual outer Kelly that everyone sees and talks to and knows, but then I have an inner Kelly. And inner Kelly dances and runs around a lot. She's a lot like Savannah Grace, I think. She rarely wears shoes, she laughs at everything, she sings at the top of her lungs, and she pretends that she can fly. In other words, I'm weird. I don't know where this came from or why I do this, but I've done it probably as long as I've been a Christian. I think my imagination is a little more active than I'd admit.

Okay let's see:
1. Jennica
2. Heather
3. Lindsey
[And I wouldn't be surprised if you guys didn't do it, but:]
4. Nick
5. Rob
Hmm. That's all I got.

Letting Go Gives a Better Grip

2008-03-18T20:12:00.003-04:00

Luke 18:9-14 tells the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, in which the Pharisee is in the temple and he stands up and prays and thanks God that he's just so awesome and that God hasn't let him become like everyone else. And the tax collector can't even bring himself to lift his head, but he simply repents.
The first thing I notice and like is that Jesus specifically tells this story to "some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else." I love that it's one of the instances where the Bible actually tells us why He told the story and who He told it to. There are always specific purposes for His parables, but sometimes the reasons fly right over our heads.

One of the reasons I like my bible is because of the sidenotes and extra things it has in it. In this section, there are a couple paragraphs that follow the verse "[the tax collector] would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'" My bible says that even trying to seem spiritual and "holy" on the outside can produce the opposite effect. It defeats the purpose if you're so proud of yourself for being Godly that you feel superior. Jesus says that the way to God is simple, and this is my favorite part that really hit me:
Trust God like a little child, admit wrong, let go.
Admitting wrong has become fairly easy. I suck at life. That's about it.
Trusting God is something that gets a little easier every time I face an issue that demands blind trust and faith. It grows and gets stronger the more I admit that I do suck at life. If I can open my eyes and admit I've done wrong, I have to trust that God will cover me and make up for my failings.
Letting go is, hands down, the hardest thing for me to do. When I make a mistake, I let it rest on my shoulders for days or weeks (or more) afterwards. I trust that God will cover me but not enough to let go.
What I love is that all 3 of these work together. All I can do is be like the tax collector who does not feel worthy enough to even lift his head. All I can do is trust Hi, admit wrong and let go.

Bring Back That Loving Feeling

2008-03-17T12:12:00.003-04:00

At our worship ministry dinner a couple weeks ago, one band member brought up an interesting concept. On Sunday mornings, the band (not so much the background vocalists, from my experience) can easily get bogged down with what needs to get done. I imagine it gets stressful. People get sick. People are tired. People get stressed. A lot needs to happen very early on a Sunday morning. After all of that, it's not always easy to have a heart for worship. Even with me, sometimes whatever has been going on during the week gets to me on Sundays. Sometimes we just don't feel like worshiping. So, from what I remember, this guy was saying that even on the mornings that he just doesn't feel like worshiping, if he makes himself go through the motions that he would normally do, his heart eventually falls into that place of worship for God.

So my problem is that I continually pray for God to put that feeling back in my heart. It's frustrating to walk around with this emptiness every other day. But what I realized is that I've been backwards. I've been praying for a feeling so that I would be inspired to get back into reading my Bible and really, truly praying about things and being intentional with my relationship with God. It has to be the other way around. I need to put in the effort first. I need to force myself to go through those motions that I would normally do, so that my heart will fall into that place of worship for God. And soon it won't be forcing myself; it'll be second nature.
I feel like I'm off to a good start considering the very first thing I did this morning was pick up my Bible and dive into Luke. I'm sure I'll blog later about what I've read if I can unpack it and figure it out.

This Week

2008-03-14T23:52:00.002-04:00

It's been a good, long week.

-Monday: babysat the McCart girls for a little bit on Monday. Watched some Care Bears movie; always an amazing experience.
-Tuesday: kicked off my first high school small group. I think it went well. We have a literal small group of 5 or 6 girls, but I think we'll be getting very close. There's one girl who's very similar to me and 4 who are pretty quiet. They're all laid back, and I like them a lot. I feel bad that we already have to take a break this coming week while I'm in Greenville on spring break.
-Wednesday: had our own college small group. We've added 3 new girls recently, including Bradelyn, and I'm really enjoying that. It's really nice to have a group of girls who consistently show up (at least in the past 2 weeks). As well as going through Pastor's sermons, we've started reading through Ephesians together, and I think that's going to add a lot to our group. I think it already has. And we're getting more intentional about keeping each other accountable, so I'm excited about that, too. It's also nice to have your roommate be the leader of your small group. There's not much I do or say that Jennica doesn't know about.
-Thursday: UNLEASH!! Loading up 150 volunteers and leaders and heading down to Newspring was phenomenal. I got a lot out of the student breakout session and the 2 main sessions (plus Roseangela's (spelling?) voice KILLS me. That girl is ridiculous). Overall the conference, was great. We had the largest, most ridiculously loud, teal group there. Good times.

Today spring break has officially started, and we're kicking it off by spending some quality McCart time. Tomorrow is the possibility of an Irish Festival, Sunday I'll be back on stage and Sunday night means going home to Greenville!!
I can't wait.

A House Divided

2008-03-12T10:51:00.002-04:00

In Luke 11:17, Jesus said "Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall."

A family that is divided will fall. When I'm away from home, my friends are my family. My entourage is my family. And when we are divided, we suffer.
I would say that the last month or so has been a ridiculously busy and hectic time in our lives. Between church, school and our personal lives, my friendships with those around me have been pushed through a lot. Through all of it, I'm learning every day that we are a family. We are brothers and sisters who watch and help each other grow in Christ. We try and protect each other and take care of each other, and sometimes we don't do a good job. We get selfish and we get tired and we forget that we are not number one. We forget that our relationships with our family and our friends need to honor God, and by being honest with each other and lifting each other up, we'll honor Him.
It's something I would rather have out in the open. It's something that can be fixed. God has put us in each other's lives for a reason. God has given us a support system of believers to surround us and put us on bricks (as Jennica would say). And if we become a house divided, we all suffer. I'm so thankful for the family God has placed me in, and I'm determined to remain undivided.

I have a River

2008-03-10T16:00:00.002-04:00

I'll admit I've been distracted for the past couple weeks and have unintentionally taken a break from Visioneering. But I picked it up again today, and I'm back to enjoying it.

Christ didn't commission us to become authorities so we could tell people how they ought to live. He called us to be influences by the way we live, so people would want what we have.

Knowing that the way you live can affect the way someone else wants to live is a huge responsibility, and it's one that I think I unknowingly carry everyday. I know there are plenty of things I do (or don't do) that don't necessarily reflect the way I want to live for God. I have an ideal image in my head of who I'd like to be. There's this ridiculously (emotionally) strong, Godly girl/woman with high standards, always responding with love and encouragement, backing arguments and discussions with scripture, asking the right questions, giving answers that are well thought out, learning from and fixing mistakes rather than repeating them. Unfortunately, I'm nowhere near superChristianchick.

But I believe I am who I am for a reason. I believe in God for a reason. I struggle with the things that I struggle with for a reason. And Christ has called me to be an influence in the way that I live. This is about to become so much more important as I take on a high school small group. Because I want to be a good influence on my girls, and I want them to want what I have. I want my friendships and relationships with people around me to reflect how I want to serve God. I want my role at Elevation to reflect that same thing. I want them to see me working hard to make every aspect of my life about my beautiful Savior so that they could not help but want to do the same.
I'm lazy. I'm a slacker. I'm flat out stupid sometimes. I can't wait to break that. I think I'm ready to break that. Ready to grow up. It's about time.

[Spirit of God, my source of power
I'll never need what this world offers
so I will rejoice for You have made me glad
I want this world to want what I have

I have a river of life, flowing inside of me, and it never runs dry
I have a treasure, a glorious prize:
the Spirit of God in me in abundant supply]

Working for the weekend?

2008-03-08T20:29:00.002-05:00

Who knew paperwork could be so fun?

I work in the church office every Thursday for Joel, who's pretty freaking awesome. Basically I do paperwork for an hour or so. I separate, staple, and file check stubs and invoices. I know, terribly exciting. But the thing is, it really is exciting to me. I love doing it every week. Because at this point in my experiences at Elevation Church, I'm well aware that every single thing that happens during the week at the office adds up to make Sunday possible.

Early on in Visioneering, Andy Stanley talked about how simple, mundane things can seem way more interesting when attached to a bigger vision. At Elevation, the vision happens on Sunday [more specifically, since I'm sure anyone reading this hasn't heard it 1,000 times, it's: so that people far from God will be filled with life in Christ] and everything done during the week adds to the vision. When you care about the bigger picture, it makes the little elements of it that much more exciting. If I had the time and money for gas, I would go do busywork at Elevation every day. It's an amazing feeling to know that the little things everyone accomplishes during the week add up to the huge work of God that comes together on Sunday.

No, really. Change it.

2008-03-08T11:37:00.002-05:00

So I realized that I'm terrible with change in some areas (such as seat switching in class, or people moving away), but in other things (such as the arrangement of my room or the look of my blog), I constantly want change.
At home in Greenville, I change the view of my room every couple of months. I move furniture around. I have this one wall in my room that's painted solid blue/teal while the rest are sponge painted, and on that wall I go back and add lyrics and Bible verses and whatever with yellow paint. Last year, I really loved my room in Margaret Nance, and I had the opportunity to stay in it for another year. I couldn't make myself. I couldn't stand staying in the same place for another year. And if I didn't think it would bug everyone, I would change my blog like every other day. But that would bug me, too.

So my point was just to say that I welcome and need change in some areas of my life but refuse to believe it is necessary in others.

Change it up

2008-03-06T15:21:00.003-05:00

I'm not great with change. Not a huge fan. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it in the past couple years, but I'm still aware that I resist it.
I was reminded of this when I walked into my religion class on tuesday to find another girl sitting in MY seat. Now keep in mind that we are no longer in elementary school and we don't have assigned seats, but come on. After about a week or two of classes everyone tends to fall into a pattern, and they generally stay in the same seats. (I've actually accidentally taken this to the extreme: I have 3 classes that are all in the same room, and at this point I've ended up sitting in the exact same seat in every one of them). Anyways, walking into class and trying to head to my usual seat only to find it taken seriously threw me off.
I fall into so many patterns and rituals in my life. I really enjoy that consistency. But that means that when something changes (something so small as someone sitting in my seat (that's not even MINE!)), I get easily thrown off balance. I'll admit that I even thought I was in the wrong classroom for a minute.

In my amazing awesome journal that I've been looking back through lately, I can see specific times when I was praying for God to throw me off. To change it up. To give me anything because I could feel myself getting so comfortable with life. I get so hooked on my habits sometimes that I need Him to put something in my way, to stop me from sitting in the same seat over and over again and missing out on another view.

Ready to go

2008-03-05T22:11:00.002-05:00

Tonight we had a worship ministry dinner get-together shindig thing. I'm not really sure what you'd call it, but I loved it. I'm all for vision casting at Elevation.
Wade opened with psalm 100, we watched a video of one song in a Hillsong event, and discussed how that compared to our own ministry and shared thoughts on our own ministry.

I keep finding that with every conference and meeting I attend (Orange Tour, Amplify, tonight, etc.), I leave feeling pumped up and ready to see what great things God has for us in the next step of whatever ministry it is. I am SO excited for what is about to happen with our worship ministry in year three. I'm especially excited because tonight the guys helped me realize that the background singers have a lot more to offer than I previously thought we did. I wish I could be more specific about this, but I have a thousand thoughts running through my head. I spent my time driving to small group praying about all the amazing things that God is going to do this year in the worship ministry and in Elevation, as a whole.
Oh my word.
I'm excited.

If you believe...

2008-03-04T19:36:00.003-05:00

I think sometimes it takes someone challenging what you believe in for you to realize that you actually believe it. Over the past couple years, I know there have been times where I wasn't completely sure why I believed what I believed. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to back up my beliefs (but that's what I like about faith). Early on, I'd been a little apprehensive about taking a lot of religion courses in college; funny, because now it's my major. A lot of people told me in high school that you better know what you believe going into it because the classes you take will have the potential to break you. If anything, though, my religion courses have done the exact opposite. I love my intro and world religions classes. The more I read and learn about other religions and other "gods," the more I am able to defend what I believe. And the more I am thankful that I follow the Eternal One who is limitless and infinite. The God who loves me enough to put up with my doubts and struggles and disobedience. I would never choose another.

P.S. I think the movie "The Last Temptation of Christ" is terrible. We're watching it in my intro to religion class, and I think it's pointless. but whatever.

Small Group!

2008-03-03T12:02:00.002-05:00

Last night was grouplink!
As far as I could see, it was a success. There were a ton of people there, and a swarm of kids in the cafeteria for high school groups. There was a literal stampede of high schoolers at one point (and unfortunately only 2 leaders actually in the room at the time). I'm really excited to say that 6 girls signed up for my group (including RONNA!!!), and I think that's a really good size for me, as someone who's never done this before.
My group starts on Tuesday the 11th, and I'm excited to spend time until then praying for my girls and getting in contact with them about next week. I can't wait.

I don't even know...

2008-02-29T23:38:00.002-05:00

I want today to be over.
I want to blog, but don't expect wonders tonight.

First, I have a question that I don't think will get answered here, but I'll try. In Luke 7:36-50, the story of the woman crying on Jesus' feet, wiping His feet with her hair and pouring expensive perfume on them is told. It says a Pharisee invited Him to his house, and then when Jesus goes to reprimand the Pharisee for condemning the woman, He calls him Simon. So my question is, is this Simon Peter? Or is this just a Pharisee named Simon?

Anyways,
I really like this story. The woman humbles herself completely before Jesus. She cries on His feet and wipes them with her own hair. And trust that His feet were filthy. The Pharisee recognizes her as a woman who has lived in sin and who isn't worthy to be in the room (the irony is that he was probably more disgusted that she would be in his house near him than he was concerned about Jesus), and he thinks "You know, if Jesus was who He's claimed to be, He would never let someone so unworthy touch even His feet." So Jesus tells a parable about two men owing another money. The man canceled both of their debts since neither was able to pay him back. The question was who of the two men would love the third more, and the answer was the one who owed more in the first place because he had a greater debt to pay.

There is a lot of hope in Luke. So far it's my favorite gospel. There's hope that whether we owe much or little, we are forgiven. (It kind of goes back to the posts Rob did about infinity and the idea that no matter how righteous you are or how unworthy you are, God is an equal distance from both. He is so much greater than us that our sins are minute in comparison). The best part is that there's hope for those who feel like they've done so much that they are unforgivable. The farther away you think you are from saving, the more grateful you will be when you realize that you are saved. I'm a huge fan of Luke.

And one last thing, I think I'm doing better on the whole going-to-God-first thing. I'm still struggling, but I've found myself praying more in the past couple of days and I've been catching myself when I don't go to Him first. Even if it's after the fact, I feel like it's progress. It's funny because if there ever was a week to really go to God first, it's been the past 7 days. God is working big and changing a lot of things. I'm interested in how the next month or so will go.

Goodbye,Hello

2008-02-26T23:17:00.003-05:00

This whole dying thing is really weird for me. My junior year of high school, my friend Brian was in a car crash and was killed. Last year, one of my best friends' aunt passed away. My brother's two friends these past couple months. And today my mom told me that the priest at the Catholic church I grew up in died last week. What the heck?!
Anyways, this is one of my favorite songs that I've ever witness God put on someone's heart. The verses are decent, but I'm pretty much in love with the chorus.

I've been around for a while, watching you grow from a child,
It's gone by so fast
Oh, child, I know you're mine, and I pray for you all the time:
don't let this life pass.

I know that it's hard to believe I'm gone, but soon you will see
how time flies by.
So please don't cry for me. I know that you're hurting, I see,
but I'm ready to fly.

I know you hate goobyes, but love,
I hate to see you cry over things that you just can't change.
I know it's not the same, but I am always on your side,
and I'm waiting for your tears to dry.
I'm here, and I'm waiting with open arms
when you're ready to let go and move on.

It's going to be a little while, but I swear it will come soon enough.
We'll be face-to-face and smile-to-smile,
and you'll have me back, my love.

Losing Sleep

2008-02-26T01:10:00.002-05:00

A concept that I've been struggling with a lot in the past few months has been when an idea/movement/concept is so important to someone that "it keeps them up at night." I feel like a lot of people at Elevation church have these kinds of visions embedded so far in their personalities and every day movements that they are constantly losing sleep dreaming of how to make their strategies better. It took me a while to figure out if people meant this literally or figuratively, too. To me, it's both. I'm sure a lot of Elevators literally lose sleep to plans and strategies, but to some it has to just be an expression.
The reason I've been struggling with this is because I feel like I haven't committed to anything in my life that has kept me up at night. I really like the concept though. What got me really excited was finding an example of Jesus losing sleep over something really important to Him:

One of these days, Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray and spent the night praying to God. When morning came, He called His disciples to Him and chose twelve of them, whom He also designated apostles.
[Luke 6:12-13]

He spent the entire night praying over who would be the closest to Him in His ministry. He basically spent like 12 hours praying over His own directional staff. And I'm sure He spent entire nights praying over a lot of different things (oh, I don't know...like His own death?). So I'm wondering, when am I going to commit to something so strongly that I lose sleep over it? Maybe not an entire night. Maybe none at all. But when will I find a vision so captivating that it consumes most of my thoughts and dreams?

[Ironically enough, I should be sleeping right now]

What Could Be

2008-02-26T00:27:00.002-05:00

An 18 year old kid who was supposed to graduate this year from my old high school was hit by a car last night and died. A month or so ago, an 18 year old kid drank himself to death at Clemson. My brother was pretty good friends with both kids. As much as I feel for the Ben and Andru's families, my heart breaks for my brother. He's just a kid. He's just 17 years old, and I think it sucks that he's having to deal with so much death lately. Andru's sister, Caroline, is my age. And Andru was Michael's age. I can't and don't want to imagine ever losing Michael. It was bad enough when he spent week in the hospital for a busted spleen.

My real problem is that I'm never home to see Michael and we were not raised to communicate emotions and feelings to each other and we never built that on our own. I can't just call him up and ask him how he's holding up and tell him I love him and miss him. If something were to happen to either one of us, I don't think either of us would remember the last words we said to each other. I was thinking the other day that if Michael could see how great God is and if he would choose to live for Him, he would do amazing things with this world. Because I never go home, all I can really do is pray that God would speak and move so strongly that Michael could not deny Him.

I just pray that he would see how awesome and strong God is and even when people die before we think they should, God is working. and God will always have him in His hands.

Just As I Am

2008-02-23T03:30:00.004-05:00

I've done a post similar to this pretty recently, but the point was reiterated to me tonight, so I figure God's speaking through it.

I just spent an hour or so having an AIM conversation with my friend Heather about me. We were really close friends in high school, and she's this super observant person. She listed pages worth of things she remembers about me. Among them being:
-The way I sit (almost always cross-legged or with one leg underneath me)
-Where my locker was and part of my combination (that one is kind of creepy)
-The way I wear bracelets high up on my arms, not on my wrists (and she remembered exactly what bracelets I wore and where I wore my ring our senior year)
-The way I'm really stubborn when taking food or money from other people (I'll take it, it just takes me a while to get over myself)
-The way always play with my necklaces (which is very sad for me now that I never wear necklaces. So now I usually play with my collarbone or nearby sweatshirt strings)
-The way I felt like God was calling me to other things my senior year so I quit soccer during conditioning
-How I "LOVED" my black bible (which is now my bible covered in duct tape) and
-My favorite and the one that really proves she gets me and wasn't just watching my every move in a stalkerish way:
beautyisinmusic : you always seemed sure of yourself however, i don't think you were
beautyisinmusic : you kind of seemed lost at times.
beautyisinmusic : and like you really needed a good friend

And I just freaking love her. And this all reminds me once again, that God knows me. As much as it blows my mind that Heather has managed to retain so much useless information about me, I know that God knows every single thought, emotion, action, word that comes from me. Lately, I find myself trying to hide things from God all over again. Something in me really thinks I can fool Him. I like how Andy Stanley says "The only healthy and profitable thing to do is to pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. R-rated words and all. After all, He knows what's in your heart anyway."
This is good for me to remember because it also goes back to my last post and praying about everything first. Nehemiah prayed some pretty hardcore things, and He wasn't afraid to. He knew that God already knew what he wanted in the first place. God knew if he was angry or upset or happy. God knows when and why I'm emotional. He knows my favorite color, my 8th grade locker combination, my prideful side, and He knows the way I really am. He loves me anyways. He gave me all the weird quirks that Heather notices. He built me. He crafted me. He loved me as He made me, and He still loves me even if the character traits He put in me have been used for less than good. I seriously love who I am when I look at it in that perspective.

P.S. Anita, if you couldn't tell, I had SO much fun with you, SG and Rylee yesterday and today. Thank you for letting me tag along and love on your girls a little longer than usual. I'm pretty attached to you at this point, too. I'm glad we got to bond. Haha I hope you guys have a great weekend and enjoy Phillip finally being home. And to Phillip, I hope you feel better.

Just Pray.

2008-02-20T12:33:00.003-05:00

My friend Kathryn wrote me a letter one time (by the way, as a college student with a typically empty mailbox, letters are the way to my heart) in which she talked about how she was going through a period where she just didn't want to be around people. Kat is a people person, so this was a big thing. She felt like maybe by her feeling that way that God was calling to her and saying, "Look, I just want you to want Me and want to be near Me." And lately, I feel like it's not that I don't want to be around people, but I feel like the people closest to me are not as close as they were a month or so ago.
After my Sunday night meltdown, I made a list of things I wanted to change. It broke into 3 parts:
1. Things I can change,
2. Things that only God can change, and
3. Things that I'm already doing well that should continue (because it doesn't make sense to get down about things that should change without having some encouragement in there).
When I told Bradelyn about my list, she told me several times to just take it one step at a time. I kind of brushed it off, but a couple days ago I realized she is completely right. A big list is overwhelming, but taking things one step at a time is doable.

So with three things in mind (the idea of one step at a time, the loss of true closeness with most of my friends, and my trusty journal that helps me see where I've been so I can focus on where I need to go), I'm working on pulling a Nehemiah. When Nehemiah heard that his city and his people's integrity was in ruins, he wept and he prayed. When Artaxerxes began to talk to Nehemiah about what he wanted, he prayed. When his enemies tried to trick and defeat him, he prayed. Good, bad, ugly: he prayed.
I have a tendency to go to people before God when I have a problem. I want to make a new foundation. So my thinking is that the closeness I have with certain people is being weakened because I've been relying on them far too much. I can say that God comes first, but until I start living that, nothing will change. So step one, essentially, is to pray. Through the good, the bad, the ugly: pray.

Orange, Splits and Nehemiah

2008-02-18T12:23:00.006-05:00

I just wanted to put this out there. I really couldn't help myself. Phillip is a phenomenal family pastor who spoke into a lot of people's lives over the past 3 days. Amplify on Saturday night really helped get everyone focus on the same vision and understand where family ministries at Elevation is headed. There are definitely times when the information we're taking in and the changes we need to make seem overwhelming (it was the same at Orange Tour), but I think overall things like OT and Amplify really help light the fire in the hearts that are going to change our church. Pulse last night, though small, was also really great. A little speaking, a couple splits, a lot of Nehemiah. Good times.

I've been around Elevation for almost a year and 1/2. I've seen a lot of change and a lot of growth. I've been that change. In terms of my spiritual life and my walk with Christ, I've grown up here. But I think that right now is a phenomenal time to join this process of building with one hand and fighting with the other. I feel like we're at a point where we're starting over, especially in family ministries. As a church, God hit all of our goals for year two and now we're launching into our third year at ridiculous speeds. And now it's time for change. To refine our processes and to fix broken windows and combine the church and parents. I'm so excited to see what's going to happen in the next couple months. Because really, what happens in the future at Elevation is interconnected with what happens in my own personal future. God has done great things. God is doing great things, and He will continue to do great things. I'm so thankful that I get to be a part of this particular movement at this specific time.